I am trying to take it easy on myself since my friend died. I’ve still be beating myself up over things. I can be so hard on myself. I haven’t been sleeping too well. Things have been hectic for me but on the bright side I’m excited about school and feel like I’m making progress and moving forward in that area. So that gives me something to look forward to and work towards. I got my cat back from my aunt. She is very happy and I’m grateful that I got her back that meant a lot to me. Believe me it wasn’t easy. I had on insisting to get her back. But, she knows her home is with me and loves it very much.

I haven’t written in a week. But, don’t worry I am still writing and will continue to be on here. It has just been a crazy week. This is the anniversary of when my godfather passed away 4 years ago. So this past week has been very hard on me. Plus, I was working like crazy. Then on Friday my basement flooded and at least not too much got ruined. But, I decided I would move upstairs because it’s too hectic worrying about the floods all the time. But, it took me all day Sunday and part of yesterday but I am 99% done. I just have to work out the clothing situation and get my TV hooked up and in the room. But, otherwise it’s basically done. Early yesterday I got so sick. I felt a burning in my chest and throat which is gone now because it was really scary. But, I am still not feeling very well. So I decided to just rest and take it easy today. Plus, I don’t think the extreme heat is helping any. But, I know everything is working out for the best and I am very happy with my new room and the cats are enjoying it too.

Lucky chillin on the bed

My life these past few weeks have certainly been adventurousness. Well the girl that fell did file a claim against the store and I had to talk to this insurance guy and give him my statement about what happened. the good news is that they said the worst that could happen is the insurance company has to pay for the doctors bills because all she had was a couple of bruises and some soreness. Yesterday I was about ready to quit work again. I did not even want to go to be honest. I did not sleep very well the night before and I ended up having to take an anxiety pill I was so stressed out. Plus, I was exhausted to begin with. Yesterday my aunt was not very nice to me again but with this claim and another thing happened also I’m starting to wonder if it’s Karma. Because I do believe what goes around comes around. I wish her the best but I think the way she treats people is finally catching up with her. I’ve heard you should put the people who offend you in the Lords hands and he will teach them and I think that is really happening right now. She has had many issues but she never learns from them which, is actually quite sad when I think about it. I actually feel bad for her to be honest. One of my old friends weddings is tomorrow and I was supposedly going to be invited but have since not received an invitation or heard from this person. That’s also hurtful to me. I found out that we lost our deal with the mortgage company but we are going to try to work a new one out and we where denied for a loan modification on our mortgage. It’s very scary since our house went into foreclosure last year and I just hope that doesn’t happen again. But, I know it’s in Gods hands.

I finished this book the other day. It is the first book I read from Lisa Bevere and I intend to read more from her. I found it to be really interesting and inspiring. Yes women and men are different but that’s the way we are supposed to be. Yes women are emotional and men try to be tough but that’s just the way we are made. But, we are all still made the way that God intended for us to be made. We all have a purpose and we should not be frienemies with other females. I think there are some people and places where women can be themselves and share and then there are others where they feel they need to compete. My new favorite term is frenemies because in truth women are more likely to be nice to to you to your face and gossip about you behind your back. It happens all the time far too often if you ask me. But, women are on this earth for a purpose and so are men. Our purposes might be different but that doesn’t mean we still should not be equal and that we as women should stop hating on one another.

I went to the dentist today and good news no infection my gum’s where just irritated. And the exam ended up being free so I was worried about spending the money for no reason at all. And the dentist referred me to a clinic where I can get work done for free to low cost so I am going to take advantage of that.

I feel so sad and disappointed in myself today. I was mean to my boyfriend. He called me and we where having such a good conversation and then it came up and he asked me if I thought he was going to leave me? then I said “you did before.” Even though I know he didn’t really do it on purpose but it still hurts and I did not even mean to say that it just slipped out of my mouth. I felt like such a fool and I could tell I hurt his feelings. But, before I had time to apologize he said he would call me next Monday and hung up. I felt so bad and still feel bad. I know I’ll be thinking about it all week until I can apologize to him for my behavior.

I wish I could just quit and I am dreading going into work and seeing my aunt tomorrow. I started filling out the application for disability and I heard it still can take six months to get it. Which means if I put my application is then hopefully if it get’s accepted I will get disability by the fall. One step at a time.

Sometimes I do find myself acting like a little kid or dare I say it a spoiled brat. There are times when I certainly do want my way and if I don’t get it act like a little kid. I have always prided myself on being more mature then most people my own age. I don’t go and party and people tell me I do act more mature for my age. It is hard though because I don’t have many friends my own age. Not that I don’t want to or that I’m an anti social person because I really do try to have friendships. But, it seems so hard for me to talk to people my own age maybe because I have nothing in common with them. I feel like either you get me or you don’t. Most people I feel like they really don’t get me. I can act very silly sometimes but I can also be really mature. Most people don’t get to see my silly side until they’ve been around me for a very long time. The other day I was having a phone conversation with my boyfriend and he was saying how it took me three years before we actually had a full conversation. Which, is the truth. I just don’t open up easily to people. I did when I was younger and got hurt so then someone told me not to open up to people right away and I didn’t to the point of having nothing to say and keeping quiet. I think I took the advice to the extremes. I would like to have more people my own age in my life but I also feel like I have a lot on my plate right now. I get along better with older people but I don’t think older people want to be my friend because I am younger they want friends there own age. and really who can blame them? I can’t. At this point it makes me sad but I figure why even bother try. I just want to focus on myself and taking care of me.

I am finding myself feeling more and more animosity for my aunt. Some days I can detach and just let it go. Other days I get so angry and frustrated with having to work with her that I feel like screaming. Today we where supposed to go over to her house for mothers day but my back was killing me so I simply put my foot down and said I was not going. Then my mom and grandma also decided not to go because to be honest none of us really wanted to go in the first place. When my aunt asked me about it I said we just wanted to stay home but she kept insisting we go to her house. Then we ended up not going after all. We are all frustrated with having to give into her demands. So today I believe we did the right thing by not going and putting our foot down.

Happy Belated mothers day everyone! I spent the day with my mom and grandma. They loved there cards. Yay! Wish I could have taken them out but maybe next year I will be able to. Mothers day makes me wanna be a mommy! Don’t ask me why.

I watched the amazing race. Tammy and Victor won. I was rooting for them and also Margie and Luke. Joan rivers won the celebrity apprentice. If Annie won I was gonna scream! I love Joan and Melissa Rivers!

I’m watching Grace is gone with John Cusack. It is a very powerful movie about a man who loses his wife in the war. He takes the kids on a road trip. It is sad but also very cute.

I’m currently in my PJS I’m waiting for dancing with the stars to come on. I’m rooting for melissa! I hope she is feeling better.

My back has been hurting me today so are my gums that are irritated. But, I am surviving. I’ll be OK. Not looking forward to work tomorrow. Wish I had more rest.

I’m staring at the phone hoping my fiance will call me. I missed his call earlier. I miss him sweet voice today was a bit stressful. I almost yelled at my aunt! She goes on and on and attacks me so much. But, I let it go and detached as best as possible. She is not worth getting all worked up over! I am debating weather I want to watch oprah or go to sleep early. I think I will take going to bed early. I have another long day of work tomorrow. I need my rest! My teeth are still killing me, Damn cavities! My back is still hurting too. It feels like the pain is in my spine. That can’t be good! while, I’m off to bed. See ya later…

When my life is ideal I am:
1. A new york bestseller novelist

2. I have my GED

3. I am in college

4. I work at a magazine or newspaper with my own column

5. I have a productive career around positive spiritual beings

6. I will spend more time with my higher power

7. I will eat healthy foods that nourish my body and soul and take good care of ME

This or something better!

Today I started thinking about how we can not control other people. We can only control ourselves. We can not control God either. It is hard for me to give up this control. I don’t manipulate people or guilt trip people but it is hard having to deal with some peoples issues and personalities. Especially with my aunt it is very hard. But, I am realizing that yes I can’t control what she says or does or how she will react but I can choose what I say and do and how I react to the situation. Today I was tempted to get upset but I held my tongue. I also realize that I have to get out of my own way. Most of the time there is nothing really stopping me from doing the things I want to do except myself. I can make all the excuses in the world and blame others for my faults or failures but really it is all my choice and up to me. I need to take responsibility and get out of my own way and other peoples ways too!