I realize I’ve been in a self pity mode lately. That is not the place I want to be in. So I am going to try to think more positive. I also need to help build up my self esteem. I’ve been hearing a lot lately about loving oneself. That is something I’m currently working on doing. I don’t think I have all the answers and for a long time I have been down on myself. Now it is not about trying to be perfect because that is impossible but it’s about loving me for me.

I went to church today and at the end of the service the man behind me farted. I did not laugh or say anything because in the moment it was inappropriate. But, I have to admit I did chuckle after we left the service. I am not judging the man because we all have bodily functions and he was older. But, I have to say it was a funny moment and it put a smile on my face. Who would have thought something like that would have happened? My mom gave me some food for thought today. The sermon was about how where God is there can be no evil and we just have to have faith. I admit I don’t think my faith has been as strong as it could be lately and I realize I’ve been letting things get to me more then I should. In the sermon some scriptures jumped out at me that relate to what I’m going through and gave me courage and some positive food for thought today.

“Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

“Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all we that hope in the Lord.” Psalm 31:24

Then I randomly opened up my bible and came across this passage. I wonder what it’s trying to tell me?
“It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night anxiously working for food to eat. For God gives rest to his loved ones.” Psalm 127:24

While I prayed to the Lord that if my kitty was not meant to go to please save her or if she was let her go as peacefully as possible. It was the Lords will for my cat to leave this earth but I am finding comfort in the fact that she is not completely gone. But, I am still very sad. It’s also hard for me because this time of year seems to be when a lot of loss happens in my life. My godfather died 3 years ago around this time and my dog 2 years ago around this time and so it is very hard for me right now but I am trying to do the best that I can to cope.

Yesterday I yelled at my boyfriend. I did not mean too but the situation was just so frustrating. Two years ago he went away and before that some girl sent me an email telling me horrible things. Like he hated me did not want me and I better stay away from him or else where just some of the comments she made only much harsher and cruel then what I just wrote. I read the email to my mom at the time and my mom thought it was very cruel and no one should speak to anyone like that. It still hurts me the things she said to me and the way she said them to me in a threatening way. I do not find that behavior acceptable and I do not deserve to be treated that way by anyone. But, my boyfriend said he got a letter from her and promptly wrote her back. I tried to remail detached and calm but my anger was seething through and he could tell something was wrong. Then he was like “why are you so mad about this? When I’ve told him many times before how her actions hurt me and he still defends her saying he asked her to because of personal issues at the time but he did not tell her to say those cruel things to me that was all her own doing. I am not mad at him for having a friendship with her I am mad at her for the cruel things she said to me and threatening me and I’m mad that he constantly defends her actions. I trust my boyfriend and he says he looks to her like a little sister I believe he is telling the truth but I would be lying if I said I trusted this girl because her actions tell me she obviously likes him as more then a friend. But, he doesn’t seem to get it. I know I can’t control who he is friends with but I am not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt when it still does.

Today a man came in the store and walked behind the counter to pull stuff out of the cases. I was like “excuse me but you can’t do that! It was completely rude and inappropriate behavior especially coming from a complete stranger. He got the message and backed off thank goodness I was trying to set a boundary by protecting my personal space because that behavior is unacceptable but at least he respected me and walked away but I must admit I really stood my ground. I’ve been surprising myself lately. Maybe I’m just tired of taking crap.

I read this earlier today and wanted to share it.

Just for today give you life anew to God! Tell him, Full speed ahead! Just for today pour out your love and care for your family. Be “too nice” to everyone you meet. Just for today take your physical strength seriously and exert yourself. Just for today use that brain power God has given you to grow more beautiful in character. Just for today reach out and encourage your best friend in their spiritual journey. Just for today take one small step toward your goal you’re trying to achieve. And finally, just for today make the commitment to wake up everyday of your life and repeat this pattern.

Lord, just for today I commit every single area of my life to you- every thought, every word, every action. Let this be a day in which I grow more and more into your image. Amen

Taken from A woman after God’s own heart by Elizabeth George

OK so I’ve been on this quest trying to find myself and fine my freedom. Freedom is a strange thing. You see people who are not free like prisoners for instance and people in foreign countries at least some who have no rights. But then you see people who could have all the freedom in the world. Freedom to love who you want. Freedom to do what you want. But yet so many people still feel so trapped. I myself am/was one of those people. I looked for freedom everywhere. I looked for in religion, I looked for it in churches, I looked for it in self help books. But then I realized freedom does not come from anything it comes from ourselves. I started going macrobiotic most of the time and it really opened up my eyes. It is after all about freedom…

Here is a prayer I found that I wanted to share.
Dear God, I give this day to you. May my mind stay centered on the things of spirit. May I not be tempted to stray from love as I begin this day I open to receive you. Please enter where you already abide. May my mind and heart be pure and true and may I not deviate from the things of goodness. May I see the love and innocence in all mankind, behind the masks we all wear and the illusions of this worldly plane? I surrender to you my doings this day. I ask that I only serve your and the healing of the world. May I bring your love and goodness with me? To give unto others wherever I go Make me the person you would have me be. Direct my footsteps, and show me what you would have me do. Make the world a safer, more beautiful place. Bless all your creatures. Heal us all, and use me, dear lord that I might know the joy of being used by you. Amen
Taken from the foreword from the best life diet by Bob Greene which was taken from Illuminata: a book of prayers by Marianne Williamson.

started the macrobiotic diet not totally but am trying to get into the swing of things. They say it’s not good to go full force anyway you have to implement new changes slowly. I really like the macrobiotic because it’s not just about what you eat which are mostly whole grains and vegetables but there is no such thing as depriving yourself if your body needs something then you eat it. The philosophy behind the macrobiotic is the yin and yang and Taoism. I have always been interested in different religions and spirituality and I am a Christian but I love that it combines philosophy with eating right. It’s so interesting and it’s not about what you believe because there is one higher power no matter what you call that power. It’s about getting in tune with that higher power which I think is fascinating. It’s about freedom which I’ve been striving for. Freedom to choose

I’m also started Mariel Hemingway’s book finding my balance. I also find it fascinating because it combines the spiritual with the way you eat. How all things connect? What you eat your exercise your silent or meditation time and your home. There is this contract in the beginning that I made to myself today and I want to write it here.
I agree to be kind to myself the four weeks following these suggestions. I agree to put myself first. To treat myself with compassion and patience I would treat a close friend. To drop the harsh criticism I put on myself when I look in the mirror or eat something bad or I am not perfect at everything I do. I agree to act like I am my own best friend. If I catch myself saying something mean to myself I pledge to ask myself would I say this to my best friend.

Taken from Healthy living from the inside out by Mariel Hemingway