I always try to be a loving person. I am learning and growing in this life. Today another person said they could no longer be in my life. While, I guess it’s better to get a response then nothing at all and being ignored. It still hurts though. I really just would like to have one good friend who sticks around at least. Someone who listens to me who I listen to. Someone who supports me that I also support. I’m tired of one sided friendships and then the other person always bailing on me for one reason or another. It frustrating when I already feel so alone. I guess it just goes back to feeling rejected all those years ago. In high school I always compared myself to the other girls. They had nicer clothes and where skinnier then me and I always blamed that and myself for the reason why I didn’t have friends. Now it goes back to that low self esteem and feeling of not being good enough. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful for the support I do have because at least it’s something. My mom and fiance I’m not taking them for granted at all. I’ve very thankful for them and my cats. But, it’s still hard when I yearn for a woman to woman friendship and I feel like that’s what is really lacking in my life. I wish I could have someone who I sip coffee or tea with and we share our stories and stick by one another through it all .Weddings and babies and job changes and everything. I yearn for that kind of relationship and it makes me sad that I don’t have that and at this point even though I’m still young I worry that it is never going to happen for me.

I watched the movie Bride wars today. I thought it was a really cute movie about brides and how they can turn into bridezillas. I also thought it was a great movie about friendship which is what the movie was really all about. I admit I would love to have a friendship like that where I have this one best friend who I can always count on and who can always count on me. I have not found that yet and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. I do get lonely at times and long for some or at least one girlfriend. I have my online friends and my blogging friends but it is still not the same as having a person to person friendship. I wish I had someone who I could ask to me my bridesmaid or maid of honor but I don’t have that person in my life.

I thought about love today. I remember when I first met my fiance. It was love at first sight and I knew one day I was going to marry him. I truly believe that the Lord brought us together and is the glue that keeps us together. I still have resentments which I am trying to get over. But, we’ve been through so much that in my heart I know we will get through this as well.

I am still coping with my cats death. We buried her today in the back yard. It was not the nicest experience and having to say goodbye. It was like that made it actually real that she is gone. It was very sad.

While I prayed to the Lord that if my kitty was not meant to go to please save her or if she was let her go as peacefully as possible. It was the Lords will for my cat to leave this earth but I am finding comfort in the fact that she is not completely gone. But, I am still very sad. It’s also hard for me because this time of year seems to be when a lot of loss happens in my life. My godfather died 3 years ago around this time and my dog 2 years ago around this time and so it is very hard for me right now but I am trying to do the best that I can to cope.

Yesterday I yelled at my boyfriend. I did not mean too but the situation was just so frustrating. Two years ago he went away and before that some girl sent me an email telling me horrible things. Like he hated me did not want me and I better stay away from him or else where just some of the comments she made only much harsher and cruel then what I just wrote. I read the email to my mom at the time and my mom thought it was very cruel and no one should speak to anyone like that. It still hurts me the things she said to me and the way she said them to me in a threatening way. I do not find that behavior acceptable and I do not deserve to be treated that way by anyone. But, my boyfriend said he got a letter from her and promptly wrote her back. I tried to remail detached and calm but my anger was seething through and he could tell something was wrong. Then he was like “why are you so mad about this? When I’ve told him many times before how her actions hurt me and he still defends her saying he asked her to because of personal issues at the time but he did not tell her to say those cruel things to me that was all her own doing. I am not mad at him for having a friendship with her I am mad at her for the cruel things she said to me and threatening me and I’m mad that he constantly defends her actions. I trust my boyfriend and he says he looks to her like a little sister I believe he is telling the truth but I would be lying if I said I trusted this girl because her actions tell me she obviously likes him as more then a friend. But, he doesn’t seem to get it. I know I can’t control who he is friends with but I am not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt when it still does.

Today a man came in the store and walked behind the counter to pull stuff out of the cases. I was like “excuse me but you can’t do that! It was completely rude and inappropriate behavior especially coming from a complete stranger. He got the message and backed off thank goodness I was trying to set a boundary by protecting my personal space because that behavior is unacceptable but at least he respected me and walked away but I must admit I really stood my ground. I’ve been surprising myself lately. Maybe I’m just tired of taking crap.

“Thou shalt love they neighbor as yourself, and this is the greatest commandment of them all.” – Jesus

If you love yourself and respect who you are and your rights then wouldn’t you want other people to have those same rights. I was reading a blog yesterday where a Buddhist was saying how Christians come on so strong and make her feel bad or try to make her feel bad for being a Buddhist and not a christian. But, didn’t the Buddha teach almost the same thing as Jesus?

Now there is a fight about rights should gay people be allowed to get married and call it a marriage? my answer to that question would be yes. Most of the people that are against it are so because they say it is in the bible that being a homosexual person is wrong? Yet does that mean we should not like others because of there race, religion, sexual preference, or gender?

If you love yourself and don’t like others and show every human being the same curtosy and rights that you have then you can not call yourself a christian. If you are not loving others the way Jesus loved us and still loves us you can not call yourself a christian. You are pharisee if you stick to the rigid laws rules instead of pening up your heart in love to those that are different.

The whole point of being christian and any religion for that matter is love. After all Jesus said it was the most important thing. “Now I know in part then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: Faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 cor. 13: 11-13)

You don’t have to agree with people but part of being a true christian is loving people. It is not just spewing out what the bible says or does not say about gays or anyone else for that matter. Being a true christian and true beliver is about loving others. God loves everyone just the same! He does not love you more because you belive ine very word of the bible. He does not love gay people any less because of who they love. Heck God mafe them the way they are for a reason and purpose. If he did not want there to be homsoeuals then he would have made everyone straight. End of problem! God does not make mistakes. If you are straight can you say I choose to e this way? No probably not. I love my fiance with all my heart and he popped into my life and I fell in love like there was no tommorrow. It was not a choice it just happened. I saw this man and my breath was taken away and I was in love. While it’s the same for everyone regardless of who you love or don’t love. Your heart does the leading. So then you are telling people they should deny who they are because you don’t agree with them. But, if God made them and loves them then he is ovbiously not denying who they are. Who we all are!

“People who are stuck here and adhere to RULES that have “An APPEARANCE of wisdom.” ( col 2: 23)

Jesus was saying the pharisees followed all these rules that looked like wisdom. But, that was just an appearance of wisdom. I believe the bible is true and it came from the Lord. But, I also know that it was man written. Based on the times. One of the passages is about an adulterer woman who they where going to stone to death. That was in Jewish Law to stone an adulterer. But, Jesus stopped them from doing it! If we still followed that law tons of people would be stoned to death every day!

Even Jesus did not follow the law. He was spiritual but not religious. He didn’t spute out religious antidotes about what was right and what was wrong he practiced what he preached by showing kindness and love to every human being he encountered. He showed equality to every person he encountered. He did not put one before another or one after because of whatever reason. If we don’t give people there basic rights we are basically saying that we don’t care about Jesus and the fact that he preached on love! We are saying we are no better then a pharisee following strict rules and regimens! Instead of what love is all about!

“They pay little attention to the “more important matters of law- Justice, mercy, and faithfulness.” (Matt 23:23)

I’m not bitter I’m not broken

I fixed my broken heart

I am not stuck in the past I realized there really was no point in that I’m happy in the present and my future is in my hands

I’m not looking back because what good would that really do?

I’m not bitter and I’m not broken I’m so over it

After it’s all said and done it really does no good to hold onto the past and the pain

My heart was broken but I put the pieces back together and now I’m whole I’m on my way

I shed my tears and now I’m done with the past if you see me cry they are really tears of joy

I’m not bitter I’m not broken I put the pieces of my heart back together

I’m not stuck in the past I’m living in the now ready to move on into the future

I shed my tears of sorrow now if you see me cry they are really tears of joy

With Love,
Christina

xoxo

(c) May 2nd, 2009 Lucky Music/The omen music

Today I head that Miss California is fighting for her right that marriage is only between straight people!

I don’t know if this is true or not but to be honest I’m completely over Miss California!

Enough is enough already people. We should be focusing on helping gay people get rights. I don’t understand how God would not want two people he made and loves to not get married if they where in love.

I believe in equal rights because that’s what I want! Who am I to deprive others of the rights not as men or woman, gay or straight. black or white, but as HUMANS= Equality.