While I prayed to the Lord that if my kitty was not meant to go to please save her or if she was let her go as peacefully as possible. It was the Lords will for my cat to leave this earth but I am finding comfort in the fact that she is not completely gone. But, I am still very sad. It’s also hard for me because this time of year seems to be when a lot of loss happens in my life. My godfather died 3 years ago around this time and my dog 2 years ago around this time and so it is very hard for me right now but I am trying to do the best that I can to cope.

Yesterday I yelled at my boyfriend. I did not mean too but the situation was just so frustrating. Two years ago he went away and before that some girl sent me an email telling me horrible things. Like he hated me did not want me and I better stay away from him or else where just some of the comments she made only much harsher and cruel then what I just wrote. I read the email to my mom at the time and my mom thought it was very cruel and no one should speak to anyone like that. It still hurts me the things she said to me and the way she said them to me in a threatening way. I do not find that behavior acceptable and I do not deserve to be treated that way by anyone. But, my boyfriend said he got a letter from her and promptly wrote her back. I tried to remail detached and calm but my anger was seething through and he could tell something was wrong. Then he was like “why are you so mad about this? When I’ve told him many times before how her actions hurt me and he still defends her saying he asked her to because of personal issues at the time but he did not tell her to say those cruel things to me that was all her own doing. I am not mad at him for having a friendship with her I am mad at her for the cruel things she said to me and threatening me and I’m mad that he constantly defends her actions. I trust my boyfriend and he says he looks to her like a little sister I believe he is telling the truth but I would be lying if I said I trusted this girl because her actions tell me she obviously likes him as more then a friend. But, he doesn’t seem to get it. I know I can’t control who he is friends with but I am not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt when it still does.

Today a man came in the store and walked behind the counter to pull stuff out of the cases. I was like “excuse me but you can’t do that! It was completely rude and inappropriate behavior especially coming from a complete stranger. He got the message and backed off thank goodness I was trying to set a boundary by protecting my personal space because that behavior is unacceptable but at least he respected me and walked away but I must admit I really stood my ground. I’ve been surprising myself lately. Maybe I’m just tired of taking crap.

Thanks for all the prayers and support about my mom. It means so much to me. I talked to my mom tonight and she is going to get a blood test tomorrow and make a doctors appointment with her regular doctor. I also told her that if she could not get in right away then maybe she should just go in as a walk in even though it takes a long time. I’m still really worried but I am trying my best to have faith that everything will be OK and work out for the best.

Today I also broke some ornaments at work and it was like my fight or flight response went on and I chose to run away not literally but by picking the ornament up and pretending it never happened. i know it is not necessarily the right thing to lie and I’m not tricking myself into believing it is OK that I did. But, I just panicked and fear took over me. I was too worried and too exhausted to have an argument with my aunt today. I know I’ll probably have to face it eventually but today was just not the day.

I have always been a perfectionist. I think it in part comes from my family. My grandma and aunt have always cared about what others think. I have too. I guess everyone does to a certain extent. But, i have always tried to be perfect which I now know is impossible. when I was younger it seemed like my family wanted me to be perfect as well but no matter how hard I tried I never lived up to there expectations. I am not perfect no one is and you just drive yourself crazy trying to be something and someone that you are not. Now I just have to surrender it all to the Lord because I know that the only thing I can control is myself the rest has to be left up to a higher power. It is especially frustrating like today when my aunt was not being so kind to me again and I started getting really upset. I was finding all these things that where frustrating me about the way she was treating me and even things like she doesn’t put a garbage bag in the garbage and then expects me to empty it and get the crap all over me. It is frustrating and hurtful to me. I found myself getting frustrated because she was running around shopping all day while I was unpacking boxes answering a billion phone calls helping customers and doing everything and she was out spending money. Then she complains about barely being able to pay me. Well yeah when you are spending all your money on things! One day she acts like she can’t do anything without me and the next she acts like she is doing me a favor by keeping me working with her and she would be better off without me. It also frustrates me when she tells me something and then when a customer walks in and I tell them what she told me like about certain items being 10% off then all of a sudden she changes it and says it’s 20% off when she told me 10. She makes me feel like a fool even though I’m not but it is embarrassing when she acts like I’m stupid and don’t know what I’m talking about. She’s even told customers “Oh she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” It is infuriating and hurtful. I have to be very humble and right now I just have to surrender this situation and know that it won’t last forever.

“Thou shalt love they neighbor as yourself, and this is the greatest commandment of them all.” – Jesus

If you love yourself and respect who you are and your rights then wouldn’t you want other people to have those same rights. I was reading a blog yesterday where a Buddhist was saying how Christians come on so strong and make her feel bad or try to make her feel bad for being a Buddhist and not a christian. But, didn’t the Buddha teach almost the same thing as Jesus?

Now there is a fight about rights should gay people be allowed to get married and call it a marriage? my answer to that question would be yes. Most of the people that are against it are so because they say it is in the bible that being a homosexual person is wrong? Yet does that mean we should not like others because of there race, religion, sexual preference, or gender?

If you love yourself and don’t like others and show every human being the same curtosy and rights that you have then you can not call yourself a christian. If you are not loving others the way Jesus loved us and still loves us you can not call yourself a christian. You are pharisee if you stick to the rigid laws rules instead of pening up your heart in love to those that are different.

The whole point of being christian and any religion for that matter is love. After all Jesus said it was the most important thing. “Now I know in part then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: Faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.” (1 cor. 13: 11-13)

You don’t have to agree with people but part of being a true christian is loving people. It is not just spewing out what the bible says or does not say about gays or anyone else for that matter. Being a true christian and true beliver is about loving others. God loves everyone just the same! He does not love you more because you belive ine very word of the bible. He does not love gay people any less because of who they love. Heck God mafe them the way they are for a reason and purpose. If he did not want there to be homsoeuals then he would have made everyone straight. End of problem! God does not make mistakes. If you are straight can you say I choose to e this way? No probably not. I love my fiance with all my heart and he popped into my life and I fell in love like there was no tommorrow. It was not a choice it just happened. I saw this man and my breath was taken away and I was in love. While it’s the same for everyone regardless of who you love or don’t love. Your heart does the leading. So then you are telling people they should deny who they are because you don’t agree with them. But, if God made them and loves them then he is ovbiously not denying who they are. Who we all are!

“People who are stuck here and adhere to RULES that have “An APPEARANCE of wisdom.” ( col 2: 23)

Jesus was saying the pharisees followed all these rules that looked like wisdom. But, that was just an appearance of wisdom. I believe the bible is true and it came from the Lord. But, I also know that it was man written. Based on the times. One of the passages is about an adulterer woman who they where going to stone to death. That was in Jewish Law to stone an adulterer. But, Jesus stopped them from doing it! If we still followed that law tons of people would be stoned to death every day!

Even Jesus did not follow the law. He was spiritual but not religious. He didn’t spute out religious antidotes about what was right and what was wrong he practiced what he preached by showing kindness and love to every human being he encountered. He showed equality to every person he encountered. He did not put one before another or one after because of whatever reason. If we don’t give people there basic rights we are basically saying that we don’t care about Jesus and the fact that he preached on love! We are saying we are no better then a pharisee following strict rules and regimens! Instead of what love is all about!

“They pay little attention to the “more important matters of law- Justice, mercy, and faithfulness.” (Matt 23:23)

Today I head that Miss California is fighting for her right that marriage is only between straight people!

I don’t know if this is true or not but to be honest I’m completely over Miss California!

Enough is enough already people. We should be focusing on helping gay people get rights. I don’t understand how God would not want two people he made and loves to not get married if they where in love.

I believe in equal rights because that’s what I want! Who am I to deprive others of the rights not as men or woman, gay or straight. black or white, but as HUMANS= Equality.

Lord, help me not to fear what others think of me. Help me to remember that because you saved me and your spirit lives within me the things judgmental people say can’t ultimately hurt me. when people say things that are critical, let those things roll off my back and not stay in my mind or heart.Thank you that although hurtful words may come and go, my salvation lasts forever.

Payers for emotional wholeness by Stormie Omartian