I have had a hectic couple of days. I pulled a neck muscle and am in a lot of pain from that. I spent the two days in bed because I could barely move my neck. I didn’t go to work I was going to but then my mom convinced me it was not a brilliant idea. Considering I don’t want to hurt myself worse. I am worried my aunt will fire me but then another part of me is like that might actually not be a bad thing. I know she will probably be pissed at me. But, I’m trying to take care of myself. Which, is not the easiest thing for me to do. I got a letter from my boyfriend and we are back to the whole girl situation again. He said they where just friends and she made a call to some of his other friends as soon as he asked. I don’t get why he feels the need to throw it in my face all the time. But, instead of reacting I’m going to just try to let it go. I’m also pissed he is not paroling here but feel that is not something he really wanted in the first place so maybe it’s for the best after all. He also said he would not be going to church with me and if I did make friends from church would have nothing to do with them which is the same way I feel about his friends.
My eating has been all over the place again. I feel like I’ve gained weight. I have been bed ridden for the past two days because of my back and neck. I feel like I’m in my own prison right now if that makes any sense.

I don’t always have the best maturity in relationships with others. When people suggest to me to do something a certain way my first reaction is usually that they are criticizing me and think I’m dumb. Especially with my aunt but with others as well. When someone tells me I’ve made a mistake I get defensive and puff myself up. I am only human and there is nothing wrong with making a mistake but I still have the disease of wanting to be perfect. Which, is prideful and only makes me feel worse about myself. When someone asks me a question I don’t want to answer I usually ignore it or pout and try to walk away from it. Sometimes it is hard for me to confront things and then when I do I blame the other person for bringing it up in the first place. I do like to get my way in an argument. I do get into arguments with others when I’m upset or having a bad day. The other day for my grandmas birthday she was really hurt that my aunt didn’t give her a card or say happy birthday and she started taking it out on me and my mom. I was hurt by that but also knew that she was hurting. I’ve heard that hurting people hurt people. That gives me more compassion for them and there circumstances and I can forgive them more easily and move on because that’s what is best for me.

I reread the letter from my hopefully boyfriend. It sounds like he still really wants to be with in spite of practically breaking up with him and the things I said. I still can’t believe I did that. I was acting like a little child. I just wanted to get my way and in relationships that is not maturity that is stupidity. You have to make compromises and you can’t always get your way. Basically I was not trusting him and that is not the kind of girlfriend I want to be. Yes his words and actions hurt me but I’ve hurt him too. I just hope we can move on from this and that it makes us stronger.

On the way home from work all I could think about was how I want to marry him and have his children. I can’t imagine my life without him and I don’t want to be with anyone else I don’t want him to be with anyone else either. But, he said he wasn’t giving up and I just hope that he meant it.

Sarcasm can cut really deep. I’ve had people be sarcastic with me especially my aunt. Yesterday I felt like I was going crazy and couldn’t take another minute of her belittling. It’s hard when she cuts me down and other people as well like my uncle who I love. No one deserves that. I try to let it go but sometimes her remarks really cut me deeply. It’s sad when I feel like I can’t defend myself because I’m so scared of her abuse.

Last night I felt so lonely and I wrote a letter to my ex boyfriend saying I was sorry for breaking up with him that I didn’t mean it. But, I am going to rip it up and throw it in the garbage. I am very scared of being alone but I know I need to move forward. Either he changes his ways and gives me respect or I have to move on as scared as that makes me. I’ve loved him since I was 15 and now I’m 22. It breaks my heart thinking I’ll never see him again. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t stand it.

I was reminded of a lot of moments with my ex boyfriend. How when he wanted to talk to me or see me I was expected to jump but when I wanted to get a hold of him or see him it never happened. I would usually react to this was a bad attitude for not getting my way. But, yesterday I sent another letter basically saying that it was over. I told him I was sick of being treated this way. For the first time in a long time I wasn’t reacting I was just being honest. Something I haven’t been with myself or him. The other say I was at work and this guy who is not very nice was staring at me eat my lunch and then after I threw it in the garbage was going through it. At first I reacted and tarted getting ticked off “like who does this guy think he is? But, then I was like it is obviously his problem not mine. Also another realization when my aunt told me “You have to remind me to pay my bills! I chucked to myself because I know it is her responsibility she is a grown woman and if she is late that is her fault not mine. I am not allowing her to put her problems and issues on my shoulders when that is not necessary.

Yesterday I sent a letter breaking up with my boyfriend. I woke up in the middle of the night worrying that I’m not sure I can handle never seeing him again. I know it was the right thing to do. I told him he could only have me or this other girl whatever there relationship is. She tried to break us up and a year ago he said he wanted to have nothing to do with her. I tried to forgive him and believe that nothing happened between them. But, now he says she is his good friend. I finally had to put my foot down. I realize that it is not OK. I’m just scared because when he broke up with me numerous times I would cry myself to sleep and get sick and keep calling and writing and trying to get him back. I’m scared if he calls me or writes me and has some excuse or another apology I won’t be strong enough to stand up for myself. I still feel like he is the love of my life but I know I need to love myself more.

I don’t take much risk. I am a perfectionist and have always felt if I can’t do something great then why do it at all. I finally took a risk by going back to school. It took a long time and was not easy for me. But, I am glad I took the risk because I am enjoying it and doing better then I thought I would. I realize that I don’t take risks enough. I don’t really like to go out and I isolate myself which leads me to being very lonely. I took a risk by sending the letter to my boyfriend about the way he can’t treat me. Know I am feeling very edgy about it. I can feel my codependent nature coming back. I am edgy to get a letter back or perhaps not get one at all. In my head I know I did the right thing but in my heart I’m very scared.

Christina

I am not new to feeling pain and loss in my life. But, I feel like even though the pain is not gone I’m feeling freer. I know that my friend and godfather that passed away are in a better place and watching over me. I realize that they would want me to be happy. It hurts about the break up of my relationship but I’m feeling free from that too. I have less baggage and I can spend more time focusing on myself and school and shaping the life that I really want. I thought I would spend my life with him but with his addictions and being in prison I’m exhausted from the rollercoster ride and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. He won’t give up her friendship for me knowing it pains me. He doesn’t accept me for who I am anymore. He doesn’t want to live with me. It’s painful to say goodbye and any ending or loss but those are deal breakers and things I refuse to accept any longer. The pain is fading as I am seeing more clearly and feeling free.

I feel like I let my life revolve around others and what they think of me or what they think I should do. I know approval is something I’ve always seek. I’ve bended my own will to please others. It is only through coming to this program that I am really starting to stand up for myself and do what is best for me. It is hard having to stand my ground and say no and some people don’t understand I have to do what is best for me. I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept dreaming about my boyfriend and wondered if I’ve done the right thing. I wonder if I sent the letter because people told me he was no good for me or because I really couldn’t take it anymore. I think it is a bit of both to be honest. I am getting into a funk but I have to remind myself of his not respecting me. But, I still am hoping that maybe the letter will be a wake up call and he will apologize and say he was wrong and he won’t have anything to do with this girl anymore and that he wants to live with me and have a life with me. Obviously if he is a jerk to me and throws it in my face all over again that will give me my answer right there.

I am feeling better tonight. I thought of HALT. And realizes I was hungry, tired, and angry. I got something to eat and rested a bit. I realize that it is so important what I see and feel about myself on the inside. I usually am so concerned about the outside. But, I also need to like what is inside of me. I am still learning to like myself on the outside and inside. I have my yucky moments like today. I watched the movie about Georgia O’Keeffe and I related to what her life was like with her husband. I thought “I don’t want that to be me.” I am already sick and tired. I feel like I need to be alone for a while and time to think and focus on myself and my recovery.

I looked at the relationship between Georgia and her husband and the ups and downs and rockiness. They had passion but it got to the point where it made her sick and having a break down. I’ve been there and to be honest I really don’t want to go there again. It also really inspired me to get away from it all spend time alone spend time doing things I love and enjoy like my writing and my music. Focusing on school and getting away from my aunt. Then maybe one day having a healthy marriage and having beautiful children with a man that would put them first and put me first.

My heart aches but it already ached so moving on seems like the next logical thing to do. Endings are always sad and I would be lying if I didn’t say this isn’t making me sick because it is. I’m sick with grief but I can’t go through another heartbreak.

Today was such a hectic day for me. First I mailed the break up/goodbye letter to my boyfriend. I just told him the truth. It hurt me when he through this girl in my face and if she is there for him then that’s great but I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I truly believe if it was between keeping her friendship or our relationship he would choose there friendship. It seems like that’s what is already happening. I said if he didn’t want to live with me or marry me that was fine but I am tired of waiting around for him. I wished him good luck and left it at that. I regretted it and my heart was aching but in the end I feel like it is for the best. I can’t take the ups and downs and the constant pain. My life might suck without him but I feel like it already does weather he is in my life or not so I guess it’s better that he is not. Then I was outside painting and this guy comes up to me and he’s like “put the paint brush down you are getting paint all over my bricks!” I was like “I’m just doing what my boss asked me to do so you really have to talk to her about that.” He was just being so nasty with me. Finally he went and talked to my aunt. Then she was acting like it was completely my fault when she told me to paint out there in the first place. Plus, I found out the neighbor next door called the guy because he hates my aunt. But, I really feel like saying just because you don’t like her doesn’t mean it should be taken out on me. I know she is a cruel person but I’m just trying to do my job like everyone else. I was about ready to just walk away. Then I was like well I’ll just get this day over with and get home. That’s what I did.

I haven’t been on here in ages. My life has been so hectic and so much has happened. I had two job interviews which didn’t work out. One was at an animal shelter and another was at a nursing facility. At first I was really disappointed because they where good opportunities and things I really wanted to do. but, now I realize that everything works out for the best and I know that the right opportunity will come along. I started school and am working towards getting my GED and also taking college classes. I am feeling like I’m in a more productive place lately. A friend passed away and I’m still grieving over that because she meant a lot to me. But, I have the memories and she will always be in my heart and I’m glad that I had her in my life for a season. I’m just trying to stay strong through all these changes. It is not always easy but I am trying to get to a better place.