I realize that my boyfriend feels guilt for his drinking and addictions and if I scold him for it that doesn’t solve the issue it just makes us both feel guilty and bad. I have to remember the 3 C’s I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. I need to put my boyfriends addictions and problems in my higher powers hands. I’ve been trying to do that more and more lately and things have been good when I step back and stop judging and trying to control.

The other day I had a really bad sugar binge and the next day I was crying uncontrollably. I felt ugly and really worthless. But, I went to work and made it through the day and now i’m back on day 5 of being abstinent. I am feeling really good about eating healthy foods and nourishing my body and having a plan just trying to eat healthy foods for my body and my soul as well.

I started reading “Love to eat, hate to eat” by Elyse Fitzpatrick and that describes the way I feel about food. I enjoy food but I also hate eating because I tend to reach for the sugar and junk which leads to binges and overeating which leads to weight gain. The other day I got on the scale and it was the heaviest I’ve ever weighed. I was in complete and utter shock and felt completely disgusted with myself. So I am eating better and following a healthy eating plan. I need to learn to deal with my emotions in a better way then by eating to cope with all the stress. I think I turned to food because things have been so stressful for me lately so now I’m trying to turn to other better ways to cope. Exercising, journaling, and spending time with God. I feel like those are really helping me to deal with these issues. I’ve already lost 10 pounds of course most it I think was water weight but I’m feeling great about that.

I read the book “deal breakers” By Dr. Bethany Marshall. I thought the book was very insightful about the different personalities of guys. How to handle them and how they react to situations. I think it is important to be respected in any relationship and I think that’s what the author was really trying to covey. If you are always miserable and nothing seems to be getting better then what is the point of continuing in something when there could be something better out there. At times it seemed like she was being very antagonistic about men and not all men are bad or disrespect women. Even men that have issues I think a majority of them are not trying to be mean or disrespectful but they don’t always get it because they think differently then women do. I think it really depends on what you can and can not live with. If you accept the situation for the way it is and hope for change but accept that it might not and stay then that is a choice to be made. If you are constantly trying to change the guy or yourself then that is not a good healthy situation to be in regardless of the circumstances. I think that is what she was trying to say throughout the book. Overall I liked it and did find it to be informative into relationships. From a women’s perspective about dating.

Sometimes you just have to be honest with yourself. It was hard for me to be honest with myself about all the junk food I was putting into my body. Making me tired and sluggish. I’m now on day two of macrobiotic eating. I actually enjoy eating this way. It makes me feel better and healthier and it’s not as hard to stick to. Once I went all raw food and that was almost impossible for me to stick to. But, I can stick with macrobiotic. It’s not about a diet or deprivation it’s just about being healthy. i figure I don’t have to be 100% but at least 90% is good. For breakfast I had whole grain cereal and soy milk, lunch was a vegan pot pie, and now I’m having some fruit. For dinner I’ll have some whole grain pasta and veggies. I also have to be honest with myself about not applying for more places. Which, I know I should but I guess the truth of the matter is that none of those jobs are things I really want to do. If I had it my way I would just write. Write books and be a journalist and work from home. I’m not lazy I just feel more rested and I can get tons more done when I’m home. I like feeling productive which I do when I’m writing but on days I work I don’t feel very productive. But, I did make my dentist appointment today. I do need to start taking better care of myself. So being honest with yourself is not necessarily a bad thing because once you are honest with yourself you can make positive changes about your life!

Today is Buddhas Birthday. So happy birthday buddha. I am watching I wanna marry Ryan Banks! It’s a cute movie on lifetime about an actor who is getting a b rating and goes on a dating reality show! Emma Caulfield is a great actress! I ate a healthy dinner of salad and chicken! Gearing up for my macrobiotic diet tomorrow. I’m actually looking forward to it. Off to bed…

Today I felt terrible! I have been so tired and sluggish lately. I think my gum has an infection. There is mold in my basement. But, today I decided I am going to take an active role in my happiness. I am going to do a two day macrobiotic rice fast. I did it before for three days and it was amazing! So I’m ready to do it again! Then I’m going to eat macro foods. For at least a week and see how I’m feeling I might do it for longer depending. But, then I was gonna do a raw food cleanse diet. And then just eat healthy. I just want to desludge my body right now. I’ve been eating way too much junk food and all those chemicals are really making me sick! So enough is enough! Starting tonight though I am going to eat a healthy dinner. Some salad with chicken. Yum! I’m glad the ice cream is gone! If I’m still hungry I’ll have some fruit. I’m not trying to lose weight even though I haven’t weighed myself so I have no idea what my weight is right now. Last time I got on the scale it was still the same. I haven’t been overeating just eating more junk. Which is not making me gain weight yet but it is making me sick or adding to whatever is already wrong with me. I also updated my passions. Which I will update in my blogs. So check them out when you get a chance. Here’s to playing an active role in our happiness! Cheers with water!

OK so I’ve been on this quest trying to find myself and fine my freedom. Freedom is a strange thing. You see people who are not free like prisoners for instance and people in foreign countries at least some who have no rights. But then you see people who could have all the freedom in the world. Freedom to love who you want. Freedom to do what you want. But yet so many people still feel so trapped. I myself am/was one of those people. I looked for freedom everywhere. I looked for in religion, I looked for it in churches, I looked for it in self help books. But then I realized freedom does not come from anything it comes from ourselves. I started going macrobiotic most of the time and it really opened up my eyes. It is after all about freedom…

Here is a prayer I found that I wanted to share.
Dear God, I give this day to you. May my mind stay centered on the things of spirit. May I not be tempted to stray from love as I begin this day I open to receive you. Please enter where you already abide. May my mind and heart be pure and true and may I not deviate from the things of goodness. May I see the love and innocence in all mankind, behind the masks we all wear and the illusions of this worldly plane? I surrender to you my doings this day. I ask that I only serve your and the healing of the world. May I bring your love and goodness with me? To give unto others wherever I go Make me the person you would have me be. Direct my footsteps, and show me what you would have me do. Make the world a safer, more beautiful place. Bless all your creatures. Heal us all, and use me, dear lord that I might know the joy of being used by you. Amen
Taken from the foreword from the best life diet by Bob Greene which was taken from Illuminata: a book of prayers by Marianne Williamson.

started the macrobiotic diet not totally but am trying to get into the swing of things. They say it’s not good to go full force anyway you have to implement new changes slowly. I really like the macrobiotic because it’s not just about what you eat which are mostly whole grains and vegetables but there is no such thing as depriving yourself if your body needs something then you eat it. The philosophy behind the macrobiotic is the yin and yang and Taoism. I have always been interested in different religions and spirituality and I am a Christian but I love that it combines philosophy with eating right. It’s so interesting and it’s not about what you believe because there is one higher power no matter what you call that power. It’s about getting in tune with that higher power which I think is fascinating. It’s about freedom which I’ve been striving for. Freedom to choose

I’m also started Mariel Hemingway’s book finding my balance. I also find it fascinating because it combines the spiritual with the way you eat. How all things connect? What you eat your exercise your silent or meditation time and your home. There is this contract in the beginning that I made to myself today and I want to write it here.
I agree to be kind to myself the four weeks following these suggestions. I agree to put myself first. To treat myself with compassion and patience I would treat a close friend. To drop the harsh criticism I put on myself when I look in the mirror or eat something bad or I am not perfect at everything I do. I agree to act like I am my own best friend. If I catch myself saying something mean to myself I pledge to ask myself would I say this to my best friend.

Taken from Healthy living from the inside out by Mariel Hemingway