I realize that my boyfriend feels guilt for his drinking and addictions and if I scold him for it that doesn’t solve the issue it just makes us both feel guilty and bad. I have to remember the 3 C’s I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. I need to put my boyfriends addictions and problems in my higher powers hands. I’ve been trying to do that more and more lately and things have been good when I step back and stop judging and trying to control.

The other day I had a really bad sugar binge and the next day I was crying uncontrollably. I felt ugly and really worthless. But, I went to work and made it through the day and now i’m back on day 5 of being abstinent. I am feeling really good about eating healthy foods and nourishing my body and having a plan just trying to eat healthy foods for my body and my soul as well.

I started reading “Love to eat, hate to eat” by Elyse Fitzpatrick and that describes the way I feel about food. I enjoy food but I also hate eating because I tend to reach for the sugar and junk which leads to binges and overeating which leads to weight gain. The other day I got on the scale and it was the heaviest I’ve ever weighed. I was in complete and utter shock and felt completely disgusted with myself. So I am eating better and following a healthy eating plan. I need to learn to deal with my emotions in a better way then by eating to cope with all the stress. I think I turned to food because things have been so stressful for me lately so now I’m trying to turn to other better ways to cope. Exercising, journaling, and spending time with God. I feel like those are really helping me to deal with these issues. I’ve already lost 10 pounds of course most it I think was water weight but I’m feeling great about that.

I read the book “deal breakers” By Dr. Bethany Marshall. I thought the book was very insightful about the different personalities of guys. How to handle them and how they react to situations. I think it is important to be respected in any relationship and I think that’s what the author was really trying to covey. If you are always miserable and nothing seems to be getting better then what is the point of continuing in something when there could be something better out there. At times it seemed like she was being very antagonistic about men and not all men are bad or disrespect women. Even men that have issues I think a majority of them are not trying to be mean or disrespectful but they don’t always get it because they think differently then women do. I think it really depends on what you can and can not live with. If you accept the situation for the way it is and hope for change but accept that it might not and stay then that is a choice to be made. If you are constantly trying to change the guy or yourself then that is not a good healthy situation to be in regardless of the circumstances. I think that is what she was trying to say throughout the book. Overall I liked it and did find it to be informative into relationships. From a women’s perspective about dating.

I just finished reading this book after reading the Celestine prophesy. I find so many points that I can relate to. I hope you check this book out if you are interested in spiritual truths. Here are just a few examples of what I related to:

“At some point, we have been participating in a group listening intently but when we feel a burst of energy as we received an idea, an insight or point of clarity for the topic at hand. There is a pause as the energy shifts our way, but instead of speaking up, we hesitate.”

This is what happened to me the other day I was in a group setting and it got silent. I was too shy and scared to speak up and then someone else spoke up. After that I was not able to get a word in. So if I had taken the chance at the beginning I would have been able to speak what was on my mind. That was a lesson for me.

“Often one of the fastest ways of regaining our inner divine connection when we feel separated it to uplift someone else.”

I find this to be so true. whenever I am down there is nothing better then extending a hand to someone else and letting them know how much I appreciate them. It’s amazing just what a hug or handshake and a few kind words can really do to lift someone’s spirits. I know that means the world to me. It makes me feel loved and appreciated.

“A coincidental crossing of paths can occur at any time, but usually won’t happen unless we are willing to take the initiative ourselves.”

I had this experience yesterday when I ran into a friend randomly. But, I said something and then she gave me a hug and said we should get together for lunch.

“We will find that most synchronicity comes to us via truths of other human beings.”

I think this is so true. That’s why I like to blog and write because hopefully something I say will help and make a difference for or to someone else. That’s also why I created spiritual cafe. For sharing spiritual wisdom which you can find at www.faithhopegrace.ning.com

“If we are open and alert, someone will show up with a timely truth we need to hear. The key to receiving the information is never fail to explore these encounters, taking, of course responsible precautions for safety.”

I find that is so true. Sometimes when I’m having a bad day or something else is going on in my life someone will say something to me or I’ll read something and have a complete “Aha” Moment.

“love ends and evolves into a power struggle because we begin to depend on energy from each other, rather then from our own inner connection with the divine.”

I have to agree completely with him on this. It seems like relationships struggle when we try to get things from other people. Love, attention, or whatever. But, when I put the focus back on myself and my higher power things just seem to work out the way they are supposed to and everything turns out for the best. In love and friend relationships. We have to rely on god to supply us our needs instead of another human being who can’t be perfect. Just as we are not perfect.

“The more love and energy we give, the more rapidly the synchronistic messages come to us, and the more creative, effective, and inspiring will be our individual lives.”

“Once enough of us understand how tithing works and experientially prove that the principle of tithing works, we will embrace this process fully, synchronically giving a percentage of our income to the sources we feel urged to support. In the same way, opportunities and finances will come right back to us, quite magically, congruent with our expectation.”

“The near death phenomenon confirms that there is only one divine force in the universe, and this force is positive.”

“The fact is, life here on earth is all about becoming more aware of our spiritual nature.”

“Step by step we are becoming more aware that we are spiritual beings slowly evolving a spiritual reality on this planet.”

I read a thousand names for joy by Byron Katie. I’ve always wanted to read her work but never did until now. I have to say I found it fascinating. I also did the work which besides in the book you can find the work at www.thework.com It really is amazing and very helpful. I felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am not worrying about what others say or think or believe because that is there reality not mine.

“inquiry helps the suffering mind move out of it’s arguments with reality. It helps us move into alignment with constant change. After all the change is happening it seems. But, when we’re attached to our thoughts about how the change should look, being out of control feels uncomfortable. Through inquiry we enter the area we do have control: or thinking.” – Byron Katie from the Book

“When there is no choice, there is no fear. They begin to realize that nothing was ever born but a dream and nothing ever dies but a dream.” Katie Byron from the book

“Dying is just like living. It has it’s own way and you can’t control it.” Byron Katie

“We die at exactly the right time not an instant too soon or too late.” Byron Katie

“What I know is that God is everything and God is good.” Byron Katie

“It’s the truth that sets you free and the truth we’re talking about is not someone else’s truth; it’s your own. That’s the only truth that can set you free.” Byron Katie

“God is everything, God is good is not an idea it’s a reality.” Byron Katie

I realize I’ve been in a self pity mode lately. That is not the place I want to be in. So I am going to try to think more positive. I also need to help build up my self esteem. I’ve been hearing a lot lately about loving oneself. That is something I’m currently working on doing. I don’t think I have all the answers and for a long time I have been down on myself. Now it is not about trying to be perfect because that is impossible but it’s about loving me for me.

I went to church today and at the end of the service the man behind me farted. I did not laugh or say anything because in the moment it was inappropriate. But, I have to admit I did chuckle after we left the service. I am not judging the man because we all have bodily functions and he was older. But, I have to say it was a funny moment and it put a smile on my face. Who would have thought something like that would have happened? My mom gave me some food for thought today. The sermon was about how where God is there can be no evil and we just have to have faith. I admit I don’t think my faith has been as strong as it could be lately and I realize I’ve been letting things get to me more then I should. In the sermon some scriptures jumped out at me that relate to what I’m going through and gave me courage and some positive food for thought today.

“Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

“Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all we that hope in the Lord.” Psalm 31:24

Then I randomly opened up my bible and came across this passage. I wonder what it’s trying to tell me?
“It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night anxiously working for food to eat. For God gives rest to his loved ones.” Psalm 127:24

Sometimes you just have to be honest with yourself. It was hard for me to be honest with myself about all the junk food I was putting into my body. Making me tired and sluggish. I’m now on day two of macrobiotic eating. I actually enjoy eating this way. It makes me feel better and healthier and it’s not as hard to stick to. Once I went all raw food and that was almost impossible for me to stick to. But, I can stick with macrobiotic. It’s not about a diet or deprivation it’s just about being healthy. i figure I don’t have to be 100% but at least 90% is good. For breakfast I had whole grain cereal and soy milk, lunch was a vegan pot pie, and now I’m having some fruit. For dinner I’ll have some whole grain pasta and veggies. I also have to be honest with myself about not applying for more places. Which, I know I should but I guess the truth of the matter is that none of those jobs are things I really want to do. If I had it my way I would just write. Write books and be a journalist and work from home. I’m not lazy I just feel more rested and I can get tons more done when I’m home. I like feeling productive which I do when I’m writing but on days I work I don’t feel very productive. But, I did make my dentist appointment today. I do need to start taking better care of myself. So being honest with yourself is not necessarily a bad thing because once you are honest with yourself you can make positive changes about your life!

Today is Buddhas Birthday. So happy birthday buddha. I am watching I wanna marry Ryan Banks! It’s a cute movie on lifetime about an actor who is getting a b rating and goes on a dating reality show! Emma Caulfield is a great actress! I ate a healthy dinner of salad and chicken! Gearing up for my macrobiotic diet tomorrow. I’m actually looking forward to it. Off to bed…

Today I felt terrible! I have been so tired and sluggish lately. I think my gum has an infection. There is mold in my basement. But, today I decided I am going to take an active role in my happiness. I am going to do a two day macrobiotic rice fast. I did it before for three days and it was amazing! So I’m ready to do it again! Then I’m going to eat macro foods. For at least a week and see how I’m feeling I might do it for longer depending. But, then I was gonna do a raw food cleanse diet. And then just eat healthy. I just want to desludge my body right now. I’ve been eating way too much junk food and all those chemicals are really making me sick! So enough is enough! Starting tonight though I am going to eat a healthy dinner. Some salad with chicken. Yum! I’m glad the ice cream is gone! If I’m still hungry I’ll have some fruit. I’m not trying to lose weight even though I haven’t weighed myself so I have no idea what my weight is right now. Last time I got on the scale it was still the same. I haven’t been overeating just eating more junk. Which is not making me gain weight yet but it is making me sick or adding to whatever is already wrong with me. I also updated my passions. Which I will update in my blogs. So check them out when you get a chance. Here’s to playing an active role in our happiness! Cheers with water!

OK so I’ve been on this quest trying to find myself and fine my freedom. Freedom is a strange thing. You see people who are not free like prisoners for instance and people in foreign countries at least some who have no rights. But then you see people who could have all the freedom in the world. Freedom to love who you want. Freedom to do what you want. But yet so many people still feel so trapped. I myself am/was one of those people. I looked for freedom everywhere. I looked for in religion, I looked for it in churches, I looked for it in self help books. But then I realized freedom does not come from anything it comes from ourselves. I started going macrobiotic most of the time and it really opened up my eyes. It is after all about freedom…

Here is a prayer I found that I wanted to share.
Dear God, I give this day to you. May my mind stay centered on the things of spirit. May I not be tempted to stray from love as I begin this day I open to receive you. Please enter where you already abide. May my mind and heart be pure and true and may I not deviate from the things of goodness. May I see the love and innocence in all mankind, behind the masks we all wear and the illusions of this worldly plane? I surrender to you my doings this day. I ask that I only serve your and the healing of the world. May I bring your love and goodness with me? To give unto others wherever I go Make me the person you would have me be. Direct my footsteps, and show me what you would have me do. Make the world a safer, more beautiful place. Bless all your creatures. Heal us all, and use me, dear lord that I might know the joy of being used by you. Amen
Taken from the foreword from the best life diet by Bob Greene which was taken from Illuminata: a book of prayers by Marianne Williamson.

started the macrobiotic diet not totally but am trying to get into the swing of things. They say it’s not good to go full force anyway you have to implement new changes slowly. I really like the macrobiotic because it’s not just about what you eat which are mostly whole grains and vegetables but there is no such thing as depriving yourself if your body needs something then you eat it. The philosophy behind the macrobiotic is the yin and yang and Taoism. I have always been interested in different religions and spirituality and I am a Christian but I love that it combines philosophy with eating right. It’s so interesting and it’s not about what you believe because there is one higher power no matter what you call that power. It’s about getting in tune with that higher power which I think is fascinating. It’s about freedom which I’ve been striving for. Freedom to choose

I’m also started Mariel Hemingway’s book finding my balance. I also find it fascinating because it combines the spiritual with the way you eat. How all things connect? What you eat your exercise your silent or meditation time and your home. There is this contract in the beginning that I made to myself today and I want to write it here.
I agree to be kind to myself the four weeks following these suggestions. I agree to put myself first. To treat myself with compassion and patience I would treat a close friend. To drop the harsh criticism I put on myself when I look in the mirror or eat something bad or I am not perfect at everything I do. I agree to act like I am my own best friend. If I catch myself saying something mean to myself I pledge to ask myself would I say this to my best friend.

Taken from Healthy living from the inside out by Mariel Hemingway

I was walking as I like to do at night. I like to meditate and walk around and see what’s going on. Walking is like meditation for me. It gives me peace of mind. This is what happened on my walk…

Tonight I went for a walk. It was a lovely night. I was walking and saw this bunny. At first I thought it was a statue it was so still and then it started moving and hoping around. The fireflies where flying all around. The moon was full and bright I could see it even though it wasn’t completely dark out yet. And someone was playing jazz music. It felt like a scene from a movie or something. It was really lovely.

This is how I met my baby boy. He is my man. I love him so much. He is my soulmate. I’ve posted about us before and This is an update.

I was reading Mariel Hemingway’s book finding my balance and I’ve heard this many times before in one version or another. About what it’s like when we find our soul mates. I’ve always heard that time stops or slows down and you instantly know you are going to marry that person one day. And that’s exactly the way I felt when I met my fiancé. I first saw him 7 almost 8 years ago. We went to the same school. He was walking out of the building and all of a sudden it was like time just stopped or slowed down and all I could focus on was him. I remember thinking to myself in a passing thought it was nothing I said out loud that one day I was going to Marry him. It seemed odd to me because that was the first time I saw him I hadn’t even spoken to him at that point so it seemed strange me thinking I would marry him. But then I kept seeing him at school and then I thought to myself well the only way I’ll talk to him is if I see him away from school and I prayed to the lord “if I’m meant to be with this man and if I really am meant to marry him then please let me see him somewhere else so that I can talk to him.” Well I was out with some friends one night and we went to Oberweis to get some ice cream. Out of nowhere there he is coming out of the bathroom leaving oberweiss and passed right by us. So that next Monday I spoke to him. We where friends for a year and then we started dating. Now that I ponder it is really does seem like it was all meant to be. I feel like every time I pray about it I get the same answer that he is my soul mate and he is the one.