I realize that my boyfriend feels guilt for his drinking and addictions and if I scold him for it that doesn’t solve the issue it just makes us both feel guilty and bad. I have to remember the 3 C’s I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. I need to put my boyfriends addictions and problems in my higher powers hands. I’ve been trying to do that more and more lately and things have been good when I step back and stop judging and trying to control.

The other day I had a really bad sugar binge and the next day I was crying uncontrollably. I felt ugly and really worthless. But, I went to work and made it through the day and now i’m back on day 5 of being abstinent. I am feeling really good about eating healthy foods and nourishing my body and having a plan just trying to eat healthy foods for my body and my soul as well.

I started reading “Love to eat, hate to eat” by Elyse Fitzpatrick and that describes the way I feel about food. I enjoy food but I also hate eating because I tend to reach for the sugar and junk which leads to binges and overeating which leads to weight gain. The other day I got on the scale and it was the heaviest I’ve ever weighed. I was in complete and utter shock and felt completely disgusted with myself. So I am eating better and following a healthy eating plan. I need to learn to deal with my emotions in a better way then by eating to cope with all the stress. I think I turned to food because things have been so stressful for me lately so now I’m trying to turn to other better ways to cope. Exercising, journaling, and spending time with God. I feel like those are really helping me to deal with these issues. I’ve already lost 10 pounds of course most it I think was water weight but I’m feeling great about that.

I read the book “deal breakers” By Dr. Bethany Marshall. I thought the book was very insightful about the different personalities of guys. How to handle them and how they react to situations. I think it is important to be respected in any relationship and I think that’s what the author was really trying to covey. If you are always miserable and nothing seems to be getting better then what is the point of continuing in something when there could be something better out there. At times it seemed like she was being very antagonistic about men and not all men are bad or disrespect women. Even men that have issues I think a majority of them are not trying to be mean or disrespectful but they don’t always get it because they think differently then women do. I think it really depends on what you can and can not live with. If you accept the situation for the way it is and hope for change but accept that it might not and stay then that is a choice to be made. If you are constantly trying to change the guy or yourself then that is not a good healthy situation to be in regardless of the circumstances. I think that is what she was trying to say throughout the book. Overall I liked it and did find it to be informative into relationships. From a women’s perspective about dating.

I don’t take much risk. I am a perfectionist and have always felt if I can’t do something great then why do it at all. I finally took a risk by going back to school. It took a long time and was not easy for me. But, I am glad I took the risk because I am enjoying it and doing better then I thought I would. I realize that I don’t take risks enough. I don’t really like to go out and I isolate myself which leads me to being very lonely. I took a risk by sending the letter to my boyfriend about the way he can’t treat me. Know I am feeling very edgy about it. I can feel my codependent nature coming back. I am edgy to get a letter back or perhaps not get one at all. In my head I know I did the right thing but in my heart I’m very scared.

Christina

I am not new to feeling pain and loss in my life. But, I feel like even though the pain is not gone I’m feeling freer. I know that my friend and godfather that passed away are in a better place and watching over me. I realize that they would want me to be happy. It hurts about the break up of my relationship but I’m feeling free from that too. I have less baggage and I can spend more time focusing on myself and school and shaping the life that I really want. I thought I would spend my life with him but with his addictions and being in prison I’m exhausted from the rollercoster ride and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. He won’t give up her friendship for me knowing it pains me. He doesn’t accept me for who I am anymore. He doesn’t want to live with me. It’s painful to say goodbye and any ending or loss but those are deal breakers and things I refuse to accept any longer. The pain is fading as I am seeing more clearly and feeling free.

I am finding my peace and serenity. I realize it’s about taking care of myself and spending time with my higher power. it is not always easy to find peace. But, I am realizing that I am not alone as I once thought I was. There is nothing wrong with admitting that I’m hurting to people and being honest with myself and others. I know that everything happens for a reason and works out for the best and the peace and serenity is coming. Through taking baby steps and just living one day at a time. Today I cleaned the basement it was a tough job but I felt proud of myself for doing it. There is still more work to get done. I didn’t get my studying in but I am not going to beat myself up about that because there is tomorrow. Right now I am feeling peace.

I feel like I let my life revolve around others and what they think of me or what they think I should do. I know approval is something I’ve always seek. I’ve bended my own will to please others. It is only through coming to this program that I am really starting to stand up for myself and do what is best for me. It is hard having to stand my ground and say no and some people don’t understand I have to do what is best for me. I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept dreaming about my boyfriend and wondered if I’ve done the right thing. I wonder if I sent the letter because people told me he was no good for me or because I really couldn’t take it anymore. I think it is a bit of both to be honest. I am getting into a funk but I have to remind myself of his not respecting me. But, I still am hoping that maybe the letter will be a wake up call and he will apologize and say he was wrong and he won’t have anything to do with this girl anymore and that he wants to live with me and have a life with me. Obviously if he is a jerk to me and throws it in my face all over again that will give me my answer right there.

I am feeling better tonight. I thought of HALT. And realizes I was hungry, tired, and angry. I got something to eat and rested a bit. I realize that it is so important what I see and feel about myself on the inside. I usually am so concerned about the outside. But, I also need to like what is inside of me. I am still learning to like myself on the outside and inside. I have my yucky moments like today. I watched the movie about Georgia O’Keeffe and I related to what her life was like with her husband. I thought “I don’t want that to be me.” I am already sick and tired. I feel like I need to be alone for a while and time to think and focus on myself and my recovery.

I looked at the relationship between Georgia and her husband and the ups and downs and rockiness. They had passion but it got to the point where it made her sick and having a break down. I’ve been there and to be honest I really don’t want to go there again. It also really inspired me to get away from it all spend time alone spend time doing things I love and enjoy like my writing and my music. Focusing on school and getting away from my aunt. Then maybe one day having a healthy marriage and having beautiful children with a man that would put them first and put me first.

My heart aches but it already ached so moving on seems like the next logical thing to do. Endings are always sad and I would be lying if I didn’t say this isn’t making me sick because it is. I’m sick with grief but I can’t go through another heartbreak.

Today was such a hectic day for me. First I mailed the break up/goodbye letter to my boyfriend. I just told him the truth. It hurt me when he through this girl in my face and if she is there for him then that’s great but I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I truly believe if it was between keeping her friendship or our relationship he would choose there friendship. It seems like that’s what is already happening. I said if he didn’t want to live with me or marry me that was fine but I am tired of waiting around for him. I wished him good luck and left it at that. I regretted it and my heart was aching but in the end I feel like it is for the best. I can’t take the ups and downs and the constant pain. My life might suck without him but I feel like it already does weather he is in my life or not so I guess it’s better that he is not. Then I was outside painting and this guy comes up to me and he’s like “put the paint brush down you are getting paint all over my bricks!” I was like “I’m just doing what my boss asked me to do so you really have to talk to her about that.” He was just being so nasty with me. Finally he went and talked to my aunt. Then she was acting like it was completely my fault when she told me to paint out there in the first place. Plus, I found out the neighbor next door called the guy because he hates my aunt. But, I really feel like saying just because you don’t like her doesn’t mean it should be taken out on me. I know she is a cruel person but I’m just trying to do my job like everyone else. I was about ready to just walk away. Then I was like well I’ll just get this day over with and get home. That’s what I did.

I met with my counselor today and we where talking about my ABF. She
said he probably won’t change and she doesn’t want me to be naive.
That was very hard for me to hear. I know that he might not stop
drinking and the rollercoster ride that the drinking causes. I love
him very much and she says she get’s the attachment to him. But, I
really feel like I’m meant to stay with him. Of course the turbulence
is not something I want for the rest of my life because I am young.
But, I feel like I owe it to myself to give this another try. I don’t
think I’m being naive I just think I’m trying to have hope. I can’t
lie that the past does hurt me and I’ve forgiven and not forgotten but
I feel worse when I’m not with him. On the bright side I passed my
social studies class with an average of 91%. And I started my writing
class. I am so excited I’m getting on track with my studies and this
really feels like a step in the right direction for me and my life.

I haven’t been on here in ages. My life has been so hectic and so much has happened. I had two job interviews which didn’t work out. One was at an animal shelter and another was at a nursing facility. At first I was really disappointed because they where good opportunities and things I really wanted to do. but, now I realize that everything works out for the best and I know that the right opportunity will come along. I started school and am working towards getting my GED and also taking college classes. I am feeling like I’m in a more productive place lately. A friend passed away and I’m still grieving over that because she meant a lot to me. But, I have the memories and she will always be in my heart and I’m glad that I had her in my life for a season. I’m just trying to stay strong through all these changes. It is not always easy but I am trying to get to a better place.

It has been a very slow week for me. I seem to be taking longer then usual to get things done this week. I thought I would be posting sooner but then things just got hectic. But, not really in a bad way or if so I’m not stressing about it like I normally would. That is such a pleasant change for once. I am actually feeling really awesome about things right now. I had lunch with my friend on Tuesday it went great! We talked and she gave me lots of insights I hadn’t really thought of. She said maybe one of the reasons I haven’t taken my constitution or GED yet is because I’m scared of brain freeze and not having the answers. That was actually an aha moment for me because she is right. I am afraid of failing so bad that I’m scared to even try. I’ve let that fear stop me before. But, now I am on a mission if I know something is right for me then why should I let fear stop me? You never know unless you at least try. She also asked me if I ever thought of nursing? I told her I actually had but what not really sure how to go about it. She said she has a friend who works at a nursing facility who might be able to get me a job doing something there and told me about some nursing schools in my area that even pay for housing while you are going to school. That sounds awesome to me and I believe this is something God is leading me to because I’ve been asking which direction to take. The other day I was about ready to just quit working for my aunt. But, then I stopped and thought maybe this is the place I really am supposed to be for now and I need to just do the best I can to get through it. Yesterday I stood my ground and even though it was quite scary I am very proud of myself.