I realize that my boyfriend feels guilt for his drinking and addictions and if I scold him for it that doesn’t solve the issue it just makes us both feel guilty and bad. I have to remember the 3 C’s I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. I need to put my boyfriends addictions and problems in my higher powers hands. I’ve been trying to do that more and more lately and things have been good when I step back and stop judging and trying to control.

The other day I had a really bad sugar binge and the next day I was crying uncontrollably. I felt ugly and really worthless. But, I went to work and made it through the day and now i’m back on day 5 of being abstinent. I am feeling really good about eating healthy foods and nourishing my body and having a plan just trying to eat healthy foods for my body and my soul as well.

I started reading “Love to eat, hate to eat” by Elyse Fitzpatrick and that describes the way I feel about food. I enjoy food but I also hate eating because I tend to reach for the sugar and junk which leads to binges and overeating which leads to weight gain. The other day I got on the scale and it was the heaviest I’ve ever weighed. I was in complete and utter shock and felt completely disgusted with myself. So I am eating better and following a healthy eating plan. I need to learn to deal with my emotions in a better way then by eating to cope with all the stress. I think I turned to food because things have been so stressful for me lately so now I’m trying to turn to other better ways to cope. Exercising, journaling, and spending time with God. I feel like those are really helping me to deal with these issues. I’ve already lost 10 pounds of course most it I think was water weight but I’m feeling great about that.

I read the book “deal breakers” By Dr. Bethany Marshall. I thought the book was very insightful about the different personalities of guys. How to handle them and how they react to situations. I think it is important to be respected in any relationship and I think that’s what the author was really trying to covey. If you are always miserable and nothing seems to be getting better then what is the point of continuing in something when there could be something better out there. At times it seemed like she was being very antagonistic about men and not all men are bad or disrespect women. Even men that have issues I think a majority of them are not trying to be mean or disrespectful but they don’t always get it because they think differently then women do. I think it really depends on what you can and can not live with. If you accept the situation for the way it is and hope for change but accept that it might not and stay then that is a choice to be made. If you are constantly trying to change the guy or yourself then that is not a good healthy situation to be in regardless of the circumstances. I think that is what she was trying to say throughout the book. Overall I liked it and did find it to be informative into relationships. From a women’s perspective about dating.

I’ve been thinking a lot about being kind to others and they way I treat people. Also the fact that I’ve let others treat me in ways that are not appropriate. I know sometimes it can a hard thing to do. With my aunt she is very pushy and I worry about starting an argument if I try to tell her I don’t want to do something or I don’t want to be treated a certain way. But, I’m finding when I show I have respect enough for myself and say “that behavior is not appropriate.” And detach with love as much as I possibly can. It really helps the situation in dealing with people. Also I do think if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all is an appropriate term. I think there would be much more peace and respect in families if this was the case at least in my family. I’m not sure I agree with the phrase “fake being happy until you are.” I feel like apart of my issues have been putting on a cover and acting like I’m all right when underneath I’m really not. Around some people like strangers I of course try to at least be cordial. I try to respect my family members and some I do “Fake it.” I’m not sure if that helps me or not but at this point I would say it really doesn’t help. I feel like there is less then a handful of people in my family I can really open up too because I never know when I’ll be criticized for having an opinion, being myself, or saying what’s on my mind. Thanks for letting me share. Take what you like and leave the rest.

I finished the book “why men love bitches?” I didn’t agree with everything the author suggests in the book. But, I do agree with her main points. Men don’t like neediness. they like to be wanted but not latched on to like your life depends on them. I could relate to that. I can get very needy in relationships and I do think it drives men away. She says you shouldn’t do things for a guy like cook for him all the time which, I disagree with. I think they are ways of showing your guy you care about him. I send cards and love notes to my guy all the time and he loves it. It makes him feel special. I do agree you should not change your whole life around for a guy. something I’ve also been guilty of. Changing my schedule and canceling plans or forgoing plans because I was waiting for a phone call or to see my boyfriend. It usually ended up with me being disappointed. So now I’ve got a clue and realize I need to keep putting myself first and maintaining my life. I think the title is completely wrong for the book though. Men don’t like bitches and women that are mean or high maintenance they like independence.

I try to be kind to strangers and friends. With my family I admit I do sometimes take liberties and with my boyfriend. I give them an attitude or even end up arguing with them. I feel like my aunt when I react that way. She is kind and loving to strangers but to her family she is always very cold and nasty. Sometimes my grandma is the same way. But, I am trying to learn how to be consciously kind and to really treat my family and myself the way I would treat others. It is not always easy especially with family. Would I rather be happy or right? I like being right but not as the cost of my peace and serenity. I think for me being happy is a much better choice. Thanks for letting me share. Take what you like and leave the rest.

I finished reading act like a lady, think like a man. I found it to be very informative about how men think. The biggest message I got from it was if you want a man to respect you then you have to respect yourself and tell the guy what is acceptable and not acceptable way for you to be treated. He also hit on the fact that women are scared of sticking up for themselves out of fear they will lose the relationship or the guy won’t like them anymore but if that’s the case then he is not worth it anyway. I recently stuck up for myself. It was scary but I realized it was the right thing to do. Men want respect but so do women. If a man wants to be respected then he has to respect back. Relationships are not one sided it takes two to maintain the relationship. Also what Steve wrote about men being scared of commitment because that means they have to work hard at it and I understand that. Women think in happily ever after and relationships especially marriage is not easy. That was something he said in the book but I do think it is the truth. If you want a man to marry you set a date. I told my fiance the moment he get’s home we are getting married. He already said that he would do it.

Happy Halloween! I hope everyone had a good day. Mine was so so. I am still having back pain and had to work. It was very slow today but I did finish reading a book. I am realizing I need to start taking better care of myself. My clothes are getting tighter on me which is very embarrassing for me as I’ve been the same size for years even with my bad habits. But, I am going to feed my spiritual self with this program and my higher power. I’m going to start exercising again and eating better. I need to take care of myself which is something I’ve been neglecting. When I was thinking of this today the slogan that came into my mind was “first things first.” So first thing is first I have to take care of my well being. On Monday when I saw my counselor a lot came out in the open about my feelings. For a long time my codependency has ruled my life. I’ve felt like without certain things or people my life would fall apart. But, I’m trying to get stronger so I don’t feel that way anymore. We also talked about me doing some inner child healing because of a lot of issue from when I was younger that really affect me today like my fears of abandonment and trying to be perfect so I can keep people around and wanting people to need me so they don’t leave me. One day at a time. Thanks for letting me share. Take what you like and leave the rest.

I finished reading the book Resilience from Elizabeth Edwards today. I thought her story was so touching. I think it showed we all go through changed both good and bad in our lives and it’s how we get through them that make us stronger people. I was sad and touched when she talked about her son’s death. I have felt loss of my godfather and other relatives. I love how she said we all grieve in different ways and what works for me might not work for you or vica versa. She talked about her battle with breast cancer. I think it takes so much strength to battle an illness like that and then to find out you are going to die from it but still just trying to be strong and live your life to the fullest instead of giving up. Then when she talked about her husbands affair I felt her betrayal she felt and anger. I also felt her deep love and commitment to her husband. I could relate to that feeling.