I am feeling better today. I talked to my boyfriend and we worked it out. I also think I overreacted. I definitely have a drama addiction. That is something I need to work on. My neck is starting to feel better. I am back to work tomorrow but I’m actually looking foreword to it. I hope everyone has a good Halloween.

I watched the movie “imagine that” It was a super cute movie about a girl with imaginary friends who help her dad in his career. I thought it was a touching family movie about how important family really is. Today people are so worked obsessed they don’t spend enough time with there families except on holidays. I love the saying that on your death bed you will have your family not thousands of dollars surrounding you. You don’t want to end up alone and have no one with you because you cared more about money then your family. I do think family is one of the most important things we can have in our life. It was an adorable movie and if you are looking for a cute movie to watch with your family over the weekend I would check this one out.

I have had a hectic couple of days. I pulled a neck muscle and am in a lot of pain from that. I spent the two days in bed because I could barely move my neck. I didn’t go to work I was going to but then my mom convinced me it was not a brilliant idea. Considering I don’t want to hurt myself worse. I am worried my aunt will fire me but then another part of me is like that might actually not be a bad thing. I know she will probably be pissed at me. But, I’m trying to take care of myself. Which, is not the easiest thing for me to do. I got a letter from my boyfriend and we are back to the whole girl situation again. He said they where just friends and she made a call to some of his other friends as soon as he asked. I don’t get why he feels the need to throw it in my face all the time. But, instead of reacting I’m going to just try to let it go. I’m also pissed he is not paroling here but feel that is not something he really wanted in the first place so maybe it’s for the best after all. He also said he would not be going to church with me and if I did make friends from church would have nothing to do with them which is the same way I feel about his friends.
My eating has been all over the place again. I feel like I’ve gained weight. I have been bed ridden for the past two days because of my back and neck. I feel like I’m in my own prison right now if that makes any sense.

One thing I’m learning is taking care of myself. I finally read some of the papers on self esteem my counselor gave me. That is one of the first things it says we need to do. To take care of myself. I was reading the list and realized many things about myself. I don’t have very much fun. I really would like to have some validation. I want to be respected. I need to see that I’m making progress and working towards something good. I am getting better at standing up for myself and telling others when I don’t want to do something.

My computer and phone where broken. Or so I thought. It turns out a cord had come out. It just reminded me sometimes I think I know something and turns out that there is more to it. I’m glad to have the computer back and that there is nothing seriously wrong with it or the phone.

I talked to my boyfriend this morning and felt like we had a good talk. I asked him if he wanted me to call about him paroling here and he said yes. I asked him if he really wanted to live with me and he said of course. But, low and behold I call and find out he has a parole site and it’s not here with me. I am not going to lie I got very angry and disappointed. At first at my boyfriend because he put my address and his mom’s address down. Then at his mom for calling nine times to make sure he was going to be living with her. But, I am feeling a bit better now. I’m going to call on Monday and see if they will tell me anything. But, I wrote him a letter saying that if he can’t live with me I still want us to get married and save up to get a place of our own. Plus, my mom said it is not set in stone so it can always be changed when he gets out.

I talked to my boyfriend and everything is really good. He mentioned drinking when he gets home but I just detached with love and didn’t get angry over something I know I have no control over. He goes through times where he says he will drink and other times when he says he will stop. But, I know getting mad won’t solve anything. All I can do is love him right now. I thought he didn’t want to live with me so I never called the prison about him paroling here but tonight he asked me if I had yet and that he does want me too. So I am going to call because in my heart that’s what I really want.

I need to call and make a doctors appointment to get my anti depressants refilled since the clinic I was going to is no longer accepting people without insurance. I have been putting it off but I know I need to do what is best for me. I am learning a lot about acceptance lately. I love my boyfriend and am learning I am powerless over situations and I have to accept that. I was talking to my boyfriend and he was saying “do you want me to teach you how to drive? I said “no” He said “why” I said “Because I’m scared of running someone over.” He said “Well if I teach you to drive a stick shift you’ll probably feel more in control.” And I realize that’s what it is about wanting to be in control but I have to accept that I can’t always be in control. Only of myself but no one else.

I watched “I love you man.” It was actually a hilarious movie. I really liked it. It also reminded me of my isolation and why it is so important to have friends. I think a part of my problem is I’m just not sure where to find friends. There is a church group and I want to go to it but I get so nervous and do keep coming up with excuses. I know that is my isolation and fear talking.

Today is my godfathers birthday who passed away 4 years ago. I didn’t get to sleep til 2AM last night. I feel very sad and lost today. I just need the support right now.

I haven’t been taking care of myself lately. I know that is something I need to work on. Today I am going to go run some errands and go pick up some books from the library. I haven’t read in such a long time. I know I need to get back to doing things that are important to me especially on days like this.

I woke up early in the morning and overate. Now I haven’t eaten anything because I just don’t feel hungry right now. I’m too tired to eat anything. I was hoping my boyfriend would call me and I haven’t heard from him but I’m sure he will call me when he can.

I’m so happy I heard from my boyfriend yesterday. It was such a relief. I am debating about weather I should call the prison and see where he can parole too. Before we talked about him coming and living with me and a part of me knows he wants to but another part of me is not sure and doesn’t blame him. I probably wold not want to live her either if I knew all the problems with the house and the fact that there are already 3 people living in the house and my grandma doesn’t like him at all and won’t even give him a chance. She doesn’t even know him but doesn’t like him. I know in my heart I really want him to be here with me. I am not a very patient person and feel like I’ve been waiting forever. But, then apart of me doesn’t want to push the issue and just let the chips fall where they will.

I don’t always have the best maturity in relationships with others. When people suggest to me to do something a certain way my first reaction is usually that they are criticizing me and think I’m dumb. Especially with my aunt but with others as well. When someone tells me I’ve made a mistake I get defensive and puff myself up. I am only human and there is nothing wrong with making a mistake but I still have the disease of wanting to be perfect. Which, is prideful and only makes me feel worse about myself. When someone asks me a question I don’t want to answer I usually ignore it or pout and try to walk away from it. Sometimes it is hard for me to confront things and then when I do I blame the other person for bringing it up in the first place. I do like to get my way in an argument. I do get into arguments with others when I’m upset or having a bad day. The other day for my grandmas birthday she was really hurt that my aunt didn’t give her a card or say happy birthday and she started taking it out on me and my mom. I was hurt by that but also knew that she was hurting. I’ve heard that hurting people hurt people. That gives me more compassion for them and there circumstances and I can forgive them more easily and move on because that’s what is best for me.

I reread the letter from my hopefully boyfriend. It sounds like he still really wants to be with in spite of practically breaking up with him and the things I said. I still can’t believe I did that. I was acting like a little child. I just wanted to get my way and in relationships that is not maturity that is stupidity. You have to make compromises and you can’t always get your way. Basically I was not trusting him and that is not the kind of girlfriend I want to be. Yes his words and actions hurt me but I’ve hurt him too. I just hope we can move on from this and that it makes us stronger.

On the way home from work all I could think about was how I want to marry him and have his children. I can’t imagine my life without him and I don’t want to be with anyone else I don’t want him to be with anyone else either. But, he said he wasn’t giving up and I just hope that he meant it.

I try to listen to what others have to say before I open my mouth. Around people I don’t know very well I have no problem just listening to what they have to say. But, when it comes to my boyfriend and my family sometimes I speak up too much. I complain or criticize. I need to learn to strike the balance. I also need to learn better ways of sticking up for myself when need be. I feel like I am starting to do that more and more.

I’m awake because my teeth really ache. I ate way too much last night and feel like crap. I have to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate my aunt’s birthday AGAIN which, I am so not looking forward to. I just want to make it through the day. The other day my aunt said you are being more assertive lately. Why is that? I am not sure why that is to be honest. I think it is just finally realizing I need to stand up for myself. I deserve to be treated better then I have been treated. I get tired of being walked all over by people especially because I allow them to walk all over me and treat me this way. I am learning that I am ENOUGH. Even though many times I feel like I’m not. I’m feeling very lonely right now.

I am realizing that I have to work on my relationships with other and most importantly my relationship with myself. My counselor gave me a chapter on self esteem to read. I know that is a big part of having a good relationship with myself and others as well. If I don’t respect myself then I can’t expect other people too either. I got a letter back from my boyfriend admitting he was wrong to treat me the way he did and I’ve decided to continue trying to work on our relationship and issues. But, I am proud of myself for standing up for myself and saying “Yes I do deserve to be treated better then this.” That’s the first time I ever said that about myself. But, now I know that’s the truth.

This weekend I went out to celebrate my aunt’s birthday with her. We actually had a decent time. But, she started talking about the end of the world again. She asked me if I would come move with her if she and my uncle ever moved I said “only if my mom and grandma went too.” She said “so you’d rather die with them?” My response was “Yes.” Kind of morbid I know but at least I was being honest. Then she said if I appreciated her. I told her I did. Which, is true on some level. But, she always acts like she’s doing me a favor when I think it’s really the other way around. And I felt like saying “appreciate you yes, your abuses never!” I will never appreciate that or accept that as being OK because it’s NOT.

I had another long day. First this morning I couldn’t find my cat anywhere and was scared that she got out. But, finally we found her and she was in the house hiding somewhere. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack I was so worried. Then I had a long exhausting day at work. I gave my aunt her birthday card and tried to just be as nice as possible to her. I tried to just do my work and leave it at that. Then I ended up eating cookies and my grandma got pissed because they where gone. I was like “who get’s mad over cookies? I mean what is the point of that. I know I shouldn’t have eaten them all and I blame it on stress but yes I know it was still my choice. I don’t feel great about it and my grandma getting an attitude just makes it worse.