This morning I woke up and it was very quiet. I had the three cats sleeping with me on the bed. It was a really peaceful moment. I could have stayed like that all day. Some people think of me as being a Hermit but really I like the quiet and the time spent alone. I feel like I’ve grown and learned a lot that way. It’s hard working in retail and having to be around people all day. After that you just want to get home and be by yourself. Sometimes I get lonely and some people don’t understand my need to be alone and have quiet but right now I feel like that is the best thing for me.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust things to my own desires. I will take my “luck” as it comes, and fit myself to it.

When I try to control things I just end up feeling stuck and alone. I am trying to give the situations over to my higher power and take a few steps back. My life become unmanageable by trying to control everything and taking it all as it came along.

I am feeling like I’m in a better place. Taking a few deep breaths and one day at a time. Just taking things for today and trying not to dwell on yesterday or tomorrow which is a lot easier said then done.

I like when others respect my decisions and let me make up my own mind. I don’t always respect others decisions but am starting to. We all have our own life to live. I finally feel like my head and heart are in the same place. I was working out last night and I felt like for the first time in a long time I had a really clear mind. I thought to myself “I’m angry at my ex boyfriend for the way he treats me. Yes I still love him but I’m not really liking him as a person.” He is not the same and it’s obviously time to move on for the sake of my sanity, so I can be relationships with healthy people, and to be happy.

I don’t take much risk. I am a perfectionist and have always felt if I can’t do something great then why do it at all. I finally took a risk by going back to school. It took a long time and was not easy for me. But, I am glad I took the risk because I am enjoying it and doing better then I thought I would. I realize that I don’t take risks enough. I don’t really like to go out and I isolate myself which leads me to being very lonely. I took a risk by sending the letter to my boyfriend about the way he can’t treat me. Know I am feeling very edgy about it. I can feel my codependent nature coming back. I am edgy to get a letter back or perhaps not get one at all. In my head I know I did the right thing but in my heart I’m very scared.

Christina

I do feel like I sometimes put on a facade with people I don’t really know. I am a kind and caring person. But, I do take advantage of my family with my sour moods and a pout attitude. I do take my issues out on them when I’m having a bad day. I’m getting better about doing that now. I learned it from my grandma and aunt. Around others they are the happy fun loving people but when alone they are complainers and manipulative. I think that’s where I learned the keep my silence in public an complain and pout in privacy. I am trying not to do that although it is a struggle for me daily. Right now I woke up in the early AM thinking about my ex BF and ate candy in the middle of the night. Not my finest moment but then reading what others shared lifted my spirits. I’m going to go back to bed and not complain or pout but take it all with a grain of salt. I will make it through and be OK even though it doesn’t always feel like it.

Today was a very stressful day for me. I went to work and my aunt was still blaming me for the painting debacle that happened last Saturday. When I was dripping paint and a guy came over and told me to stop and got very nasty with me. she said it was my fault because I didn’t put anything underneath the piece but she helped me to move it out. Did she expect me to lift it all by myself? Then she said it was my fault the paint was dripping because I probably didn’t stir it up enough. Then she blamed me for missing jewelry. We couldn’t find some rings and she said “I told you to put all the jewelry behind the counter! I said I had. She said “Will see! and then blamed me saying it had probably been stolen and it’s all my fault. I felt like going to the hospital for a week just to get away from it all. I still feel like doing that to be honest. saying I am not feeling well and am not sure what’s wrong with me. Which, actually is the truth I just don’t like hospitals but now I’m tempted to go just so I have a good reason to not have to be around her. But, I would miss my bed and my kitties too much and my mom as well. I feel like this situation is driving me crazy she is so cruel to me all the time. There is only so much a person can take of being abused all the time. I feel like walking out and just not going back. Which, I would do if me and my family didn’t need the money.

My computer is acting up again tonight. As usual. I really don’t like this thing.

Sorry for venting it’s been a long day and I needed to get everything off my mind.

I am not new to feeling pain and loss in my life. But, I feel like even though the pain is not gone I’m feeling freer. I know that my friend and godfather that passed away are in a better place and watching over me. I realize that they would want me to be happy. It hurts about the break up of my relationship but I’m feeling free from that too. I have less baggage and I can spend more time focusing on myself and school and shaping the life that I really want. I thought I would spend my life with him but with his addictions and being in prison I’m exhausted from the rollercoster ride and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. He won’t give up her friendship for me knowing it pains me. He doesn’t accept me for who I am anymore. He doesn’t want to live with me. It’s painful to say goodbye and any ending or loss but those are deal breakers and things I refuse to accept any longer. The pain is fading as I am seeing more clearly and feeling free.

I am finding my peace and serenity. I realize it’s about taking care of myself and spending time with my higher power. it is not always easy to find peace. But, I am realizing that I am not alone as I once thought I was. There is nothing wrong with admitting that I’m hurting to people and being honest with myself and others. I know that everything happens for a reason and works out for the best and the peace and serenity is coming. Through taking baby steps and just living one day at a time. Today I cleaned the basement it was a tough job but I felt proud of myself for doing it. There is still more work to get done. I didn’t get my studying in but I am not going to beat myself up about that because there is tomorrow. Right now I am feeling peace.

I feel like I let my life revolve around others and what they think of me or what they think I should do. I know approval is something I’ve always seek. I’ve bended my own will to please others. It is only through coming to this program that I am really starting to stand up for myself and do what is best for me. It is hard having to stand my ground and say no and some people don’t understand I have to do what is best for me. I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept dreaming about my boyfriend and wondered if I’ve done the right thing. I wonder if I sent the letter because people told me he was no good for me or because I really couldn’t take it anymore. I think it is a bit of both to be honest. I am getting into a funk but I have to remind myself of his not respecting me. But, I still am hoping that maybe the letter will be a wake up call and he will apologize and say he was wrong and he won’t have anything to do with this girl anymore and that he wants to live with me and have a life with me. Obviously if he is a jerk to me and throws it in my face all over again that will give me my answer right there.

I am feeling better tonight. I thought of HALT. And realizes I was hungry, tired, and angry. I got something to eat and rested a bit. I realize that it is so important what I see and feel about myself on the inside. I usually am so concerned about the outside. But, I also need to like what is inside of me. I am still learning to like myself on the outside and inside. I have my yucky moments like today. I watched the movie about Georgia O’Keeffe and I related to what her life was like with her husband. I thought “I don’t want that to be me.” I am already sick and tired. I feel like I need to be alone for a while and time to think and focus on myself and my recovery.

I looked at the relationship between Georgia and her husband and the ups and downs and rockiness. They had passion but it got to the point where it made her sick and having a break down. I’ve been there and to be honest I really don’t want to go there again. It also really inspired me to get away from it all spend time alone spend time doing things I love and enjoy like my writing and my music. Focusing on school and getting away from my aunt. Then maybe one day having a healthy marriage and having beautiful children with a man that would put them first and put me first.

My heart aches but it already ached so moving on seems like the next logical thing to do. Endings are always sad and I would be lying if I didn’t say this isn’t making me sick because it is. I’m sick with grief but I can’t go through another heartbreak.

Today was such a hectic day for me. First I mailed the break up/goodbye letter to my boyfriend. I just told him the truth. It hurt me when he through this girl in my face and if she is there for him then that’s great but I don’t deserve to be treated this way. I truly believe if it was between keeping her friendship or our relationship he would choose there friendship. It seems like that’s what is already happening. I said if he didn’t want to live with me or marry me that was fine but I am tired of waiting around for him. I wished him good luck and left it at that. I regretted it and my heart was aching but in the end I feel like it is for the best. I can’t take the ups and downs and the constant pain. My life might suck without him but I feel like it already does weather he is in my life or not so I guess it’s better that he is not. Then I was outside painting and this guy comes up to me and he’s like “put the paint brush down you are getting paint all over my bricks!” I was like “I’m just doing what my boss asked me to do so you really have to talk to her about that.” He was just being so nasty with me. Finally he went and talked to my aunt. Then she was acting like it was completely my fault when she told me to paint out there in the first place. Plus, I found out the neighbor next door called the guy because he hates my aunt. But, I really feel like saying just because you don’t like her doesn’t mean it should be taken out on me. I know she is a cruel person but I’m just trying to do my job like everyone else. I was about ready to just walk away. Then I was like well I’ll just get this day over with and get home. That’s what I did.