The other day I was driving in the car with my aunt and she started screaming at me because I did not want to go somewhere with her out of town. I agreed because I was practically having a panic attack and just wanted her to stop yelling at me. But, then I realized that’s how she get’s her way she screams and knows I will give in and throws a tantrum like a two year old. So this time I was like I’m not going to give in out of fear. I really stuck up for myself and set some boundaries. I told her I would not be going. Of course I was expecting to be fired but I was ready for whatever the outcome was. She screamed and then the next day called me back and calmed down. I am tempted to still not even go back. I know a lot of people I talk to say it sounds like an abusive relationship and that she is just using me which, I do think is true. I’m scared of being around her this week because whenever I defend myself and have boundaries then she always finds some way to take it out on me. I’m not looking forward to that. But, this should be a busy week so I hope that helps. I’ve also been exhausted these past two days. I am so sleepy I just want to sleep. I haven’t even been online at all. I’m trying to diet again this time I’m in over eaters anonymous. I know that can be considered a drastic step but I am an emotional eater. I suffered from eating disorders most of my life and I’m sharing this because I want others to know they are not alone. There is help out there. I am doing ok I haven’t binged or overate in 17 days. It has not been easy but the fourth of july was a real wake up call for me. I just feel bad about myself. The stress this past week has not been easy. Even now I want to just blow it and say I’ll start all over again. But, then I will have to start all over again and I’ve worked so hard. I’ve lost 3 pounds and if I eat the junk I’ll gain it all back plus some probably in a day or two. I wish the weight was coming off faster but I can’t let the scale get me down. I feel depressed like I actually miss the food. I know a lot of it was from feeling lonely and stress is a trigger for me to eat the junk. But, I was almost making food my higher power. I have to take care of myself and there is nothing wrong with that. Wish me luck!

If you want to know more about the OA program you can go to www.oa.org and I can tell you more about the program as well. I can’t give specifics because everyone is advised to have there own food plan from a nutritionist or someone else in the program. Basically right now I’m doing three meals a day with nothing in between but some people do have snacks. No sugar, flour, or white bread. I’m addicted to sugar and white carbs. If you have any other questions check out the site.

You can join OA if you are anorexic, bulimic, or an over eater or any eating disorder. There are no fees or dues to join just the willingness to want to get better.

I thought this was a really cute movie. It is slightly cliche but with a twist. Renee’s character comes into town to evaluating this factory. Which, includes layoffs in a town in Minnesota. It is a very funny cute comedy and is better then I expected it to be.

I can relate to being the new girl. It can be very hard when you first go someplace and no one knows you and you don’t know them. But, I think it shows how friendships can also grow over time.

I read this book from Robin Mcgraw. I actually finished it in a few days. Like in three days. It is such an interesting book. I love the title that says what’s age? I mean really? I think society puts so much pressure on people especially women that when you get to a certain age you have to stop doing things or doing different things. Why? We are all different people. What works for one person might not work for another and vice versa. Robin is so funny and is a great storyteller. I was moved by her book and think it is a fascinating read. Even though I’m 22 this is information I can take with me throughout my life. It’s like getting advice from your best friends mother who has been there and done that and wants to pass it on to every women she can. This is a must read book no matter what stage or age you are currently in.

It has been a very slow week for me. I seem to be taking longer then usual to get things done this week. I thought I would be posting sooner but then things just got hectic. But, not really in a bad way or if so I’m not stressing about it like I normally would. That is such a pleasant change for once. I am actually feeling really awesome about things right now. I had lunch with my friend on Tuesday it went great! We talked and she gave me lots of insights I hadn’t really thought of. She said maybe one of the reasons I haven’t taken my constitution or GED yet is because I’m scared of brain freeze and not having the answers. That was actually an aha moment for me because she is right. I am afraid of failing so bad that I’m scared to even try. I’ve let that fear stop me before. But, now I am on a mission if I know something is right for me then why should I let fear stop me? You never know unless you at least try. She also asked me if I ever thought of nursing? I told her I actually had but what not really sure how to go about it. She said she has a friend who works at a nursing facility who might be able to get me a job doing something there and told me about some nursing schools in my area that even pay for housing while you are going to school. That sounds awesome to me and I believe this is something God is leading me to because I’ve been asking which direction to take. The other day I was about ready to just quit working for my aunt. But, then I stopped and thought maybe this is the place I really am supposed to be for now and I need to just do the best I can to get through it. Yesterday I stood my ground and even though it was quite scary I am very proud of myself.

I just finished this book. I thought the concepts where really interesting. “We have loved different people, knelt at different graves, prayed at different alters. the specifics of desire are unique to each one of us. Yet if you follow the chain of desire, in the end we are all the same. We want to be happy. We want to be fulfilled. We want meaning and purpose in our lives. We want a sense of connection with God or spirit. We want other people to respect and love us. And we want to feel safe. These desires are universal. But, the road each of us takes to satisfy them individually and from our individual experiences and memories or karma.”

I am enough. Just for today I will do the best I can and make the most of what I get. I will be optimistic and hopeful. I will not dwell on yesterday but do the best I can today. I am not perfect but I am enough.

It’s been a crazy week for me. I’ve been working all week and will not be getting a break. But, like someone told me yesterday “sometimes you have to do what you have to do! That is so true. So I will do what I have to do and do it to the best of my ability. I have decided that I will stick working for my aunt out until August or September when my uncle has more time to help her. Then I feel it is in my best interest to leave. It causes me so much stress being around her I just feel like I’m not as productive as I want to be. I’ve made a decision to take care of myself and do what is best for me. Not to be selfish but I need to take care of myself. I am scared of making a change this was not an easy decision but it’s what I feel is in my best interest. Next Tuesday I will be having lunch with my friend and I can’t wait to let you know how it goes.