Yesterday was a really frustrating day for me. My aunt called me early in the morning to say she was going to pick me up because she wanted to load a couch to take to her store and that her and my uncle had a huge fight and he threaten divorce. I felt bad but am not surprised because of the way she treats people. But, for her sake of course I do hope they stay together. Then in the car she was trying to start an argument with me because I did not want to go to her house for memorial day. She said “My feelings are hurt, do you not like my company? I said “It wasn’t that I’m just tired and need an extra day to rest.” Which is true because after lifting things my back is usually in pain so I like to spend my days off resting. Plus, all the stress from being around my aunt is completely exhausting. If she treated me better I wouldn’t mind spending time with her but no one wants to spend there free time around people that have an attitude all the time. So yesterday I had to just let it go and let it be what it was. She was upset about the fight she had with my uncle which is completely understandable but it is still not OK for her to try to pick a fight with me and yell at me because she is upset. It’s not even the fact that she yells because when I get upset yes sometimes I yell but I don’t say incredibly nasty hurtful things like she does. Well of course I don’t want to be around that, that is only normal. I am getting used to being alone. It is still lonely for me but I actually enjoy the time I have alone. I get to read, write, listen to music, and spend time with God. In the silence and my being alone that’s when I feel my peace and serenity. I’ve also decided I can not stay and help her for another year. I should know if I’ve got the disability by July or August. I hope I get it so I can focus on school. Otherwise I will have to focus on finding another job that’s all there is too it. Because I can’t go on like this with all the anxiety and stress this is causing me.

I always try to be a loving person. I am learning and growing in this life. Today another person said they could no longer be in my life. While, I guess it’s better to get a response then nothing at all and being ignored. It still hurts though. I really just would like to have one good friend who sticks around at least. Someone who listens to me who I listen to. Someone who supports me that I also support. I’m tired of one sided friendships and then the other person always bailing on me for one reason or another. It frustrating when I already feel so alone. I guess it just goes back to feeling rejected all those years ago. In high school I always compared myself to the other girls. They had nicer clothes and where skinnier then me and I always blamed that and myself for the reason why I didn’t have friends. Now it goes back to that low self esteem and feeling of not being good enough. Don’t get me wrong I’m grateful for the support I do have because at least it’s something. My mom and fiance I’m not taking them for granted at all. I’ve very thankful for them and my cats. But, it’s still hard when I yearn for a woman to woman friendship and I feel like that’s what is really lacking in my life. I wish I could have someone who I sip coffee or tea with and we share our stories and stick by one another through it all .Weddings and babies and job changes and everything. I yearn for that kind of relationship and it makes me sad that I don’t have that and at this point even though I’m still young I worry that it is never going to happen for me.

Today I woke up and I am still sad about the loss of my cat. But, I am feeling like I am gaining more closure. I talked to my boyfriend today and it was a really nice conversation. I am grateful that even though my cat is no longer here with me at least she is in a better place. I’m grateful I still have my other two cats. I’m grateful for the spring and the flowers blooming and I saw the cutest baby bunny eating grass today. Those are sweet moments and I’m grateful for them. I’m grateful that the Lord have me another day on earth. I filled out my application for disability and had my interview over the phone today. I just need to send in some paperwork and we will see what happens.

I watched the movie Bride wars today. I thought it was a really cute movie about brides and how they can turn into bridezillas. I also thought it was a great movie about friendship which is what the movie was really all about. I admit I would love to have a friendship like that where I have this one best friend who I can always count on and who can always count on me. I have not found that yet and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. I do get lonely at times and long for some or at least one girlfriend. I have my online friends and my blogging friends but it is still not the same as having a person to person friendship. I wish I had someone who I could ask to me my bridesmaid or maid of honor but I don’t have that person in my life.

I thought about love today. I remember when I first met my fiance. It was love at first sight and I knew one day I was going to marry him. I truly believe that the Lord brought us together and is the glue that keeps us together. I still have resentments which I am trying to get over. But, we’ve been through so much that in my heart I know we will get through this as well.

I am still coping with my cats death. We buried her today in the back yard. It was not the nicest experience and having to say goodbye. It was like that made it actually real that she is gone. It was very sad.

While I prayed to the Lord that if my kitty was not meant to go to please save her or if she was let her go as peacefully as possible. It was the Lords will for my cat to leave this earth but I am finding comfort in the fact that she is not completely gone. But, I am still very sad. It’s also hard for me because this time of year seems to be when a lot of loss happens in my life. My godfather died 3 years ago around this time and my dog 2 years ago around this time and so it is very hard for me right now but I am trying to do the best that I can to cope.

Yesterday I yelled at my boyfriend. I did not mean too but the situation was just so frustrating. Two years ago he went away and before that some girl sent me an email telling me horrible things. Like he hated me did not want me and I better stay away from him or else where just some of the comments she made only much harsher and cruel then what I just wrote. I read the email to my mom at the time and my mom thought it was very cruel and no one should speak to anyone like that. It still hurts me the things she said to me and the way she said them to me in a threatening way. I do not find that behavior acceptable and I do not deserve to be treated that way by anyone. But, my boyfriend said he got a letter from her and promptly wrote her back. I tried to remail detached and calm but my anger was seething through and he could tell something was wrong. Then he was like “why are you so mad about this? When I’ve told him many times before how her actions hurt me and he still defends her saying he asked her to because of personal issues at the time but he did not tell her to say those cruel things to me that was all her own doing. I am not mad at him for having a friendship with her I am mad at her for the cruel things she said to me and threatening me and I’m mad that he constantly defends her actions. I trust my boyfriend and he says he looks to her like a little sister I believe he is telling the truth but I would be lying if I said I trusted this girl because her actions tell me she obviously likes him as more then a friend. But, he doesn’t seem to get it. I know I can’t control who he is friends with but I am not going to lie and say it doesn’t hurt when it still does.

Today a man came in the store and walked behind the counter to pull stuff out of the cases. I was like “excuse me but you can’t do that! It was completely rude and inappropriate behavior especially coming from a complete stranger. He got the message and backed off thank goodness I was trying to set a boundary by protecting my personal space because that behavior is unacceptable but at least he respected me and walked away but I must admit I really stood my ground. I’ve been surprising myself lately. Maybe I’m just tired of taking crap.